May the Fourth Build My Faith

Last Friday you may have heard someone say, "May the Fourth Be With You!"  That phrase came to be sometime in the last 40 years and it was decided that May 4th would become an unofficial holiday celebrating all things STAR WARS.  However in my family, May 4th holds significance for another reason.

(Matthew with his Mom and Dad)

For the last 20 years, May 4th was a day that could make or break me.  A test of my faith really.  Matthew's grandfather passed away on May 4th at the age of 44.  Matthew's dad passed away on May 4th at the age of 44.  Matthew never knew his grandfather and was only 17 when his dad went to be with the Lord.  He told me all this when we were dating.  A friend from college told me upon hearing those facts, "If you stay with him, you better make plans to camp out in the ER on May 4th when he's 44!"  Thinking it through, I wondered if I wanted to marry someone only to lose him 20 years later.  I wanted to but never did ask his mom Ruth Ann if she would have reconsidered marrying his dad Bill if she had known what was to come.

(Our engagement photo)

Today I know what her answer would have been as it's the same answer I would be happy to say to anyone who would ask me.  Resoundingly there is nothing I would change.  (Thank you, Ruth Ann.  You know this but it's worth saying again.  Your devotion to Bill and strength all these 24 years since losing him have always inspired me.  I know for certain you would not have traded those wonderful years of marriage and two amazing sons to not go through the heartache. And I love how when I asked you if you would marry again you answered, "When you've had the best why would you want another?")  I am thankful the Lord confirmed to me during those dating years that my decision to marry Matthew was His plan.  I was driving from my parents' house in Greenville one Sunday morning to attend Boiling Springs First Baptist (not yet my church) with Matthew.  Feeling quite fearful, I prayed all of it out to the Lord.  As close to an audible voice as I've ever experienced, I heard Him reply, "Things will go well for you with him."  I have clearly seen that statement become truth.

(Our 10th wedding anniversary)

So flash-forward 20 years and here we are married for 18 years, parents to six awesome children, and creeping closer to that May 4th date of his 44th year of life.  Today I am 42 and Matthew is 41. I have kept the emotions and struggle in trusting the Lord at bay for most of this time. Remember I said we've added SIX kids to the equation so that doesn't allow much down time to worry over it for too long.  Also my faith in the Lord has grown by leaps and bounds through these years.  Jesus has clearly shown me that He knows the length of each person's days (Psalm 139:16).  I have come to a full understanding that I could very well die before Matthew by means of cancer, heart attack, or getting hit by a truck.  It all did start hitting a little closer to home as I turned 40 and then Matthew 40 the next year. We were actually in our 40's now.  My 41st birthday shook me emotionally as I was still grieving my own Dad passing away and I was pregnant with our 6th child, Ezra.

The opposite side of battling fear over possibly losing Matthew at an early age is barricading my heart in an unhealthy way in case it were to happen.  This mindset was extremely exaggerated after watching my mom Patty emotionally and spiritually hit rock bottom after my dad Rich went to be with the Lord.  Seeing the horrible pain she went through that first year and still feels some days, I began wanting to avoid that at all cost.  The solution: not love Matthew as much as my mom loved my dad.  Of course I would be a faithful wife and take care of all he needed, but my heart would take a step back and prepare for the worst.  However God would not let me stay there as His plan for human marriage is for it to be a model of the love relationship between Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:22-33). His church has no reason to prepare for the worst.  Christ is always faithful, always truthful, and always ALWAYS.  He is eternal.

God in His gentle, loving ways secured these truths in my heart at a marriage conference Matthew and I attended last fall.  There were door prizes given throughout the weekend and I excitedly waited to hear our names read.  There were gift certificates for restaurants and home decor items.  I would have been plenty happy to receive something from a restaurant.  The Lord instead had this wall art in mind and seeing it when our names were read, I heard Him whisper to my heart, "Love Matthew always."  The barricade in my heart crumbled away.
 

The sermon at church last Sunday sealed this whole contemplation in my mind.  Pastor Hank preached from James 4:13-17 and explained how we should make life plans while still keeping in mind the uncertainty and brevity of life. The Bible says in verse 15, 'Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”' Pastor Hank explained why we should say, "If the Lord wills" in connection to the plans of our life.  First because God is in control.  We see His hand at work all through the Bible and even today if our spiritual eyes are looking for it.  Second because God's plan is best.  He knows us more intimately than we know ourselves and also knows every moment of our lives including those that have yet to happen.  And third because we can trust God.  He is the only one who never changes, never lies, and never stops loving us.  Even when we claim not to love Him.

The sermon helped me to see that if the Lord wills Matthew to pass away on May 4th at the age of 44 (or any day between now and then), God is in control and I can trust Him to walk beside me, even to carry me through the heartache.  However if the Lord wills for Matthew and I to grow old together into our 80's or 90's, my position should be to grow more in love with Matthew each of the days we have together.  As Christ desires for the church to grow more in love and dependence on Him, He wants me to feel more like that towards Matthew.  Understandably, first and foremost dependent on Him but fully committed to Matthew in our holy marriage covenant also.  A sweet woman at BSF whose husband passed away a few years ago was telling me about the loneliness she feels. I said, "I can't imagine what that must be like."  She said something I didn't expect. "Don't.  Don't think about what it would be like at all.  Just love your husband every day you have him."  That is good advice and what I want to do. The last verse of James 4 says, "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."  If I hold back part of my love for Matthew it would be sinful.  I will cling to the verse that has carried me through many situations, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5).  Each year when May 4th arrives again and I consider all that has been and all that might be, I want my faith in God to grow deeper too. And I want to celebrate my marriage for the wonderful blessing it is.  I also want to encourage you in whatever hard, long-standing, worrisome situation you might be living through, Jesus is faithful and Jesus is enough. 

What Makes Us Thankful

"Thankful" is a word that's been heavily tossed around the last few weeks.  We just finished this surreal span of life (at least in America) stretching from Thanksgiving to Christmas.  People are more sociable (except for when they kick, scream and steal on Black Friday), nostalgic (until the holiday family gatherings turn ugly), and charitable (well that is true but tax deductions often play a role).  All this has me pondering the attitude of thankfulness.  Where does it come from?  What is it built on? 

Having a houseful of children allows me a front row seat to raw emotion.  There is screaming when a toy is snatched from one by another.  There is stomping and slamming of doors when responsibilities are not fulfilled and privileges are revoked.  There are little bodies lying on the floor very expressively announcing, "I'm NOT tired!"  And then there are the Christmas wish lists!  Christmas is the time of year for children to request to their hearts content and really hope that everything appears on December 25.  It all seems quite silly to a mature, grown adult, but really how different are we from those sweet children?

Pondering what truly makes me thankful I began to wonder... am I really only appreciative of people because of what they can give me?  When someone doesn't follow through on an obligation does it bring them down a notch in my need for them?  Do I tend to nurture relationships with people who really just make my life easier? 

Sadly this might be true of human nature.  We are born with a survival nature and the need to do whatever it takes to have our needs met.  Anyone who has cared for a newborn will attest to that... cue background crying soundtrack!  But thankfully, we are loved by someone who is not at all like that.  His name is Jesus. You may have heard of him, but do you know him?  Really know him? 

Jesus is everywhere these days whether we acknowledge it or not.  Every time someone says Merry Christmas, He is mentioned.  He loves us so much that He left the splendor of Heaven to come to earth as a helpless baby for the purpose of showing us the way to live as He did, the truth of who God is, and the path to eternal life by His sacrificial death on a cross.  And He still shows up if we are ready to see Him.

My dad had a heart attack on June 10, 2015.  It was Vacation Bible School week at our church.  I had been at the hospital with my mom, Matthew and Sully (only 5 months old) for most of the afternoon and into the evening.  My mother-in-law had been able to take our other four kids to VBS.  Around 8:00 pm, my brother was taking my mom home for the night and Matthew and I would drive to church to bring our children home.  Driving down the main road of our town, I saw a cloud hanging in the sky (yes still blue skies at that time during a summer evening).  It was not puffy or whispy, but more of a column shape.  It stayed in front of me all the way.  Finally our church was in sight and the column of cloud extended straight up from it.  It was as if Jesus were speaking to me saying, "Remember, the Israelites?  I led them through the desert and I will lead you through this dark time too."  I was welcomed in the hall of our church by many friends who had heard about Dad being in the hospital and expressing their concern.  

If you are unfamiliar with the story you can read about the pillar of cloud and pillar of fire in the 13th chapter of Exodus in the Bible.  Jesus is at work all around us in so many exciting ways.  If you don't see Him working maybe it's because you haven't taken the time to look for Him.

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Jesus loves you and wants you to know Him! 

Grief is a Journey

Grief is not an emotion. It is an active state of being which must be worked through. I've felt it many times in my life but only began to recognize it for what it is after losing my dad two summers ago.

Grief first appeared back in the beginning of history with the first family.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God and lost the close relationship which they first shared with Him. Then sometime after that their son Cain killed his brother Abel.  I'm sure there was much grief in the hearts of Adam, Eve and even God. Grief follows any loss such as a death, loss of job, loss of relationship due to divorce or physical separation, even loss of what could be or how things should be.

A little over two years ago on June 27, 2015, my dad, Rich Allen, passed away.  He entered Heaven but doing so meant he left this world and our relationship ended. Well at least for the time being.  I will see and hug him again when I enter Heaven myself.  His death came suddenly and yet in a way I was prepared.  Dad was working at Amazon and had a heart attack on June 10th of that same year.  He fell to the concrete floor banging his head.  My mom, Patty, was called and she and I met at the Emergency Room.  Thankfully we visited with Dad for a few minutes before he was taken back to have a stint put in his heart.  I don't think we made eye contact in those moments as he was badly shaken emotionally as well as physically.  After he came out of the procedure, I was able to see him again for a few minutes in Cardiac ICU.  He just kept saying how badly his head hurt.  Sometime during that night, his brain began to bleed which resulted in emergency brain surgery the following morning.  I never again saw my dad awake.  He laid in a bed in Neuro ICU for over two weeks and then passed away after being off of life support for two days.  

During those weeks of visiting Dad at the hospital, my heart began grieving while he was still with us.  I prayed daily for the Lord to heal him and restore his health.  Although at the same time, my "hope for the best but expect the worst" personality was trying to steady myself for the possibility that the day Jesus would take Dad home to heaven might be coming.  My mom obviously was not at all ready to lose her husband.  Who would be?  As the nurses and test results showed my dad's condition worsening, my fear was growing as to how she would handle receiving the facts of his condition.  One night just a few days before his life support would be turned off, I just sat in the bed of my parents' guest room and recited Psalm 23 over and over while crying.  The pit of despair is deep where a daughter just prays for the Lord to take her father's spirit to prevent her mother from having to give consent to have his life support turned off.  That pit was my darkest grieving moment.  And yet the Lord is faithful. 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

My grief continued as I then began to feel the loss of the relationship I had with my mom.   With the loss of my dad and her husband, we both became different people.  Grief changes you and sometimes not in good ways.  I went through angry days, and mom was just lost in her depression and sadness. I was hurting just to see her so completely broken.  Unfortunately my grief turned often toward saying or doing anything which I thought might help her accept what had happened.  It usually only made things worse.  And yet again the Lord is so faithful. During those days, my husband Matthew and I grew so close as he had lost his dad at age 17.  He understood the pain I was feeling and was able to comfort and cry with me.

The Lord brought another someone to comfort me during those dark days.  A friend I'd not seen since junior high school sent me a Facebook message almost the exact minute as I was sending her a message. Kayne lost her father the summer before I lost mine. Her father passed away after complications following a liver transplant.  We began emailing, texting, and calling each other.  She expressed such understanding of the feelings I was having as she had felt many of the same things just the year before.  When suffering it helps so much to know someone has been there.  I am forever thankful to the Lord for bringing Kayne back into my life and renewing our friendship.  She has told me likewise that in comforting me she received comfort herself. 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Grief is something that can easily overwhelm and control a person if not worked through.  One of the books I read early on said talking out your grief brings about great healing.  I took that to heart and signed on anyone I came into contact with as my personal grief counselor.  Speaking to my Sunday school class, my BSF group, anyone who would listen and realizing over and over that most people my age and older (and a few even younger) have experienced death and grief. Sharing that story of losing someone close to them enabled us both to receive a healing. My healing had really started even before saying goodbye to Dad by writing out our story on CaringBridge.org while he stayed in the hospital.  It proved to be so therapeutic for me.  It allowed me to connect with so many people who knew him as I then met them at the visitation service and recognized their names from the comments they left on the website.  

This past April as I was still trying to find a way to "fix" my mom's sadness, I asked her if she would consider attending a Griefshare class with me. Griefshare is a Christian grief support group which teaches a person how to do the work needed to heal from a deep grief.  Surprisingly, she said she would go, not because she wanted to but because she knew I wanted her to.  I said I would take it!  We went the first night and both left with reservations about going back.  The next week's meeting fell on Braewyn's 10th birthday so we would not be able to attend anyway.  Through the week I spoke with my neighbor Rich who is a military chaplain and my friend Elizabeth who had attended the first class also.  Rich said the group dynamic is what really brings about healing in that situation, and Elizabeth, who was undecided about returning also, said her husband commented that going wouldn't do any harm.  I decided to give the group another try.  Mom just didn't feel comfortable there so didn't return.

For anyone who has experienced a life-changing grief, I cannot plead with you enough to please find a Griefshare group.  The videos are very well produced and contain such deep insight.  There are interviews with grief counselors who have experienced heartache themselves as well as others who just share from their hearts about their personal grief.  Then there is small group discussion time.  You are not required to share anything.  It is fine just to sit and listen.  However in listening to the feelings of those in the group, I knew they would understand some of what I was feeling.  It also opened my eyes to how grief comes in so many forms.  One woman was there after losing her 43-year-old son.  Another had lost a granddaughter to a drug overdose.  Several had lost their husbands.  And a few men who were now widowers.  Over the 13 weeks, I grew to love these people I saw no where else but this room where Griefshare met.  The Lord knew people would need one other to love and support each other through the trials of life.

 Although my mom did not continue attending Griefshare, the class brought healing to our relationship by what I learned.  Just as Jesus was the only one who could have restored my dad's health, Jesus was and is the only one who can truly heal my mom's broken heart.  Once I realized that nothing I could say or do would "fix" my mom the pressure was off.  I still have to fight back the urge to "encourage" her to do what I think would help but it doesn't consume me.  Griefshare helped me to see that someone who is grieving will grieve as long as he or she chooses to and no one can change that.  It takes some people longer to get through it than others.  We can't expect everyone to grieve the same way.

As hard as the last two years have been and as much as I miss my dad, I am thankful for the way the Lord has grown me.  Grief is awful and yet it is beautiful.  I've never thought of myself as an overly compassionate person, but yet I am so much more able now to relate to others going through really tough times.  I do not hesitate reaching out to those who are hurting.  Since losing Dad, so many have entered my life whom also felt grief.  A sweet couple at church who said goodbye to their perfectly formed, beautiful baby girl born stillborn just days before her due date.  Two friends who lost their fathers and a friend who lost her mother, all suddenly or after a short illness.  A dear friend who found out at her 20 week ultrasound that the Lord had already taken her baby's spirit to heaven.  Two friends whose husbands died suddenly or after a very brief illness. A young couple who found their 4-month-old son no longer breathing one morning in his crib. Horrible, heartwrenching experiences and yet the Lord is faithful.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Thinking hard times won't come is really only setting yourself up for despair.  I am thankful in knowing Jesus as my Lord and Savior that I will be one day going to my eternal home in Heaven where there is no grief.  Until then I want to praise Him for being the one who carried me through all the deep sadness of saying goodbye to Dad and who will carry me through any just as hard days to come.  The lyrics of the song "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman reflect my heart.

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful 

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out, I'll 

Turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be'

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering 

Though there's pain in the offering 

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll 

Turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name, oh

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

God you give and take away

Oh you give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Showing His Joy

Anyone is welcome to read this post, but I'm writing to those who live their lives to follow Jesus.  It's not meant to be a social commentary but a reminder to think about what we believe and how we live.

So I saw "Beauty and The Beast" a few weeks ago with my older three children.  It was a beautiful remake of the Disney cartoon.  The songs were there. The characters were there.

Hearing about the hype regarding the "first openly gay Disney character" when the movie was coming out, I had read stories for and against the movie weeks before.  I went in knowing about and looking for these suggestively gay-oriented moments.  There was a strong undercurrent of gay pride, but it's hard to know if I would have noticed it as much had I not known it was coming.

The Christian community does have a right to voice our concerns.  Freedom of speech should be a human right when done in the right context: speaking the TRUTH in LOVE.  If any group pushes their agenda to the point of patronizing those who do not agree, it has crossed the line.  The gay-rights supporters pushed their point of view into a family movie.  I do not fault Christians for boycotting this movie.   (My family saw it at a discount theatre so not sure who gets our money but it wasn't full price.) We need to stand up against things we disagree with however just avoiding spending our money on movies or establishments which support the gay lifestyle is not necessarily the best method to promote our stance either.

Yes we need to clearly make known that the gay lifestyle is wrong according to the Bible ("Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable." Leviticus 18:22), but the underlying truth which we must also state is that God wants His best for every person.  His best is a right relationship with Him. "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9) The bottom line is that every person wants to feel loved.  Which would be better:  love from the gay community or love from the One who created the universe and who will never leave or forsake you? Don't misunderstand.  This is not a situation in which if we live the best we can and do the most good things we win God's love.  There is not one single person alive on the earth today who was alive on the day Jesus died on an old cross long ago.  And yet on that day, He died for each and every person alive on the earth today.  He knew each and every sin all those people including me and you would commit.  He died to pay the penalty so we might receive forgiveness.

Some may read this and think being gay is not wrong, just a different lifestyle choice.  I think of it this way.  My four-year-old son Rylan loves to be in the water.  He thinks he can swim which he can in the bathtub.  Recently we were at a friend's pool.  He was having a great time in the shallow end "swimming".  He was really just jumping around and splashing, feet touching the ground.  A few minutes later, he got out of the pool, walked to the deep end, and up onto the diving board. No life jacket on.  I began saying, "Rylan, stop.  Rylan, get off the diving board."  Then screaming, "Rylan, get off!!!"  Without hesitation, he walked to the end of the diving board and jumped into the water.  Thankfully my older son swam quickly into the deep end and pushed Rylan toward the edge where I pulled him out.

So what does that have to do with being gay?  Without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, a person does not recognize the dangers of living a gay lifestyle.  Without a personal conviction, none of us would leave behind the "good" things in life which are actually sinful. So where does that leave us who are following Jesus?  We must first pray for God to soften their hearts to the truth of His word.  Boycotting movies and avoiding gay-supportive stores may put a small dent in the issue, but it doesn't affect the lives of gay people.  PRAYER will.  The church catch phrase "Hate the sin, love the sinner" rings true in this case.  It appears the gay community does a better job of loving its people than the Christian community does with the people we should be trying to reach with the truth of salvation.  I don't encounter gay people often, but when I do I want that person to see me as friendly and not judgmental.  Speak the truth in love if there arises an opportunity but leave them wanting to know more of why I have joy.  And here's hoping that he or she runs into more Christians who also display that joy until one day they can't help to ask and we say, "It's from knowing Jesus!"

A Blessing from My Hospital Visit

Life is just downright busy.  I think most of you know but in case you missed it, Matthew and I are expecting Baby Brooks #6 in January.  Very excited but no time to post monthly updates on my pregnancy like I may have done for Baby #2 or #3.  I am now 33 weeks along and feeling VERY pregnant.  I've been awarded with entrance to an even more Advanced Maternal Age category for women over age 40.  I am really soooo appreciative!  Any how I had an OB check up on Monday of this week.  Matthew would meet me there for the appointment so I brought Juliet, Rylan and Sully but left Philip and Braewyn at home as I was thinking I'd be gone no more than 1 1/2  hours.

After being on the NST monitor for about 35 minutes and being told the baby looks great, I saw one of the doctors.  Dr. Allen delivered Sully so it was fun for her to see him again at almost 2 years old.  She asked how I was doing.  My answer is usually, "I think I'll make it." But I also added that my left leg swells while my right leg just feels numb.  I wonder if it's because I carry Sully on my left hip when I do carry him.  She looked a little concerned and said, "It really could just be due to the pregnancy, but it could be a blood clot.  Thankfully our bodies clot more readily when pregnant so we don't bleed out during delivery.  But I just can't let you go another day without knowing for sure if your leg swelling is from a clot or not.  I want you to have a vascular scan today so I'll call in a referral."

Ok.  Not what I expected from this appointment but the idea of a blood clot really didn't worry me.  I'm sure it could be easily handled.  Now we just had 2 kids at home and 3 young ones with us and I was told to go to the hospital.  I drove the little ones and Matthew followed me over to the hospital parking lot.  We parked outside the cancer center as it's next to the heart center where I was told to enter.  By this time Sully was asleep in the car so I asked Matthew if he would just stay in the van with the kids and I'd go in alone.  Let them watch YouTube on your phone!

Into the hospital I walked and was instructed to take the elevator up a floor, walk down the hall, turn at the end and enter the surgery admission and waiting area.  The hospital.  This hospital.  I had not been inside since June of 2015 when Dad spent 2 weeks in Neuro ICU and then his last three days in Pallative Care.  When I arrived in the waiting area, it brought back a flood of memories.  I did not want to be here!

I gave the receptionist my form and she asked for some additional information.  Then I sat down to wait.  Thirty minutes before, being in the hospital was not even a thought and here I was back where I never wanted to be.

Being pregnant and knowing a delivery was in the future, I've had an underlying dread of going to the hospital.  My mom told me at one point that she didn't know if she could bear coming to the hospital to see the baby without my Dad.  I didn't know if I could bear lying in a hospital bed with monitors hooked to me and remembering seeing Dad in his bed.  Being a patient of any kind did not bring happy thoughts.

But here I was sitting in the waiting area which was where we sat (or very similar to) while waiting to hear the outcome of Dad's brain surgery.  I didn't know if I should just cry out to Jesus for comfort for my breaking heart or text several friends to pray for me.  After a few minutes of silently praying, I decided to tell the receptionist that I would be right back if my name was called because I had to take my key down to my husband outside.   A few minutes of fresh air was what I needed now.

Matthew had pulled up to the outside door once I called to tell him I was on my way down.  I didn't know how long the wait for my procedure would be so I encouraged him to take the younger kids home and relieve the older two of their "home alone" status.  He gave me his key to our other car so I would be able to drive myself home.  Reaching for the key I said, "Please pray for me as being up there in the same waiting area where we were when Dad was here is freaking me out." Tears filled my eyes and my voice cracked.

Walking back inside I didn't make eye contact with the people I passed.  Thankfully after arriving back in the waiting room, my name was called about 15 minutes later.  My ultrasound technician Catherine was so very nice.  She assured me I had no blood clots.  Praise Jesus!  We chatted about other things... this being my 6th pregnancy, her never feeling the desire to have children, people who say whatever is on their minds about both situations and how I said goodbye to my Dad in this hospital summer before last.  I told her about my hesistancy to come to the hospital since Dad passed away but how being there today took the sting out of thinking about coming back to have the baby.  Saying goodbye to her, I heard a sound I've always liked to hear at the hospital.  Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star playing over the intercom.

When a baby is delivered at our hospital, a member of the family can push a button on the wall of the Labor and Delivery area and this well known tune plays throughout the hospital.  I had heard it play three times while there for my vascular scan.  God was telling me that good things, miraculous things do happen here.  Not only sad things.  I have delivered five beautiful, healthy babies in this hospital.  It will be devastating knowing Dad won't be coming to meet his newest grandchild when I deliver this baby.  Even still God told me that day when I unexpectedly went to the hospital about a possible blood clot that when the day comes for me to deliver this newest little blessing, it will be a happy day.  No more fear of returning to that same hospital for the first time since Dad passed away.  I've now been there, done that.  Next time Matthew and I will enter Labor and Delivery.  And Lord-willing our children will push that little button to announce to everyone in the hospital their new little brother or sister was born.  I pray others in the hospital that day hear Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star and are also reminded that blessings are all around us.  We just need to be looking for them.

Trust Him Now

When I was in high school, my parents encouraged me to participate in the True Love Waits rally our church was promoting.  You may have heard of it.  TLW was a program which challenged teenagers to make a decision to avoid sexual intimacy before marriage.  It wasn't just an idea to put in kids' heads, but an intentional path for choosing to make wise decisions ahead of time.  We were told if you wait to make the decision about having sex or not until you are in the back seat of a car or home alone, your body may win out over your head.  You make a clear decision when you are thinking rationally and not in the moment when the emotions are running wild.

I think the same idea can be applied to our spiritual lives.  As children or even as adults when all seems right in the world, it is easy to say, "I trust you, God, and I will follow You."  But what happens when the hard times come.  You may have a really bad fight with your husband or wife.  You may have a child who just seems to enjoy disobeying more than obeying.  You may hear your mom tell you she has cancer.  You may get a call saying your dad has had a heart attack.  You may live in a nation which sees right as wrong and wrong as right.  What then?  Do you trust God?

My parents did give me a wonderful upbringing in church, but my spiritual walk with God took a few u-turns in college.  Thankfully, I had a desire to begin attending Bible Study Fellowship once I graduated and moved back home.  In studying the Bible, God grew my faith in Him as I read of many people, Moses, Peter, Isaiah, Abraham and Sarah, regular people like me who simply trusted Him.  I wanted that and so I began to trust Him.  Would I find a job?  Was Matthew the man I should marry? Should I begin working at the church?  Would we have a baby after trying for a year?  Would we have another child after months of praying again?  Should we homeschool our children?  Should we trust God with the number of children He may give us?  

When thinking back over those questions, especially the last one, a little bit of fear stirs up in my heart, but God has every time proven Himself to be faithful.  When I truly said in my heart, "God, whatever You make happen will be best," His grace and peace always quickly followed.  Sometimes the big trust moments come easier when you give Him all the little trust moments first.

God, if you want us to make it to the movie on time, we will.  God, if You want us to have these friends over for dinner, they won't have plans already.  God, please tell me if we should keep our dog or give her away.  God, direct me to the homeschool conference sessions which would most bless my family.  

The decision is now yours to make.  Will you trust God?  In the little things?  In the big things?  

When I miss my Dad, I trust Jesus knowing He has told me, "The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die." (John 11: 25-26)  When I wonder what this world will be like 10 or 20 years from now, I trust Jesus remembering that He said, "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:33-34)  

For all the day to day things I could make myself sick worrying about, I try not to.  Some days it's easier than others.  Some days, I pretty much completely fail.  But other days, I trust Him.  I hope you can trust Him now too.  

This verse is on a wall in my home. I can't think of a circumstance which it doesn't fit.

HS Conference recap -- part 2

Just to follow up my last post, here are my notes I took for the seminar entitled "Teach Them Diligently - Part 2".  It didn't immediately follow the first but it will cause less confusion for anyone reading.  :)

**Teach Them Diligently, Part 2 -- Lou Priolo (Deuteronomy 6:6-9)
III. Scripture is profitable for CORRECTION
- use scriptures to convict of sin (prosecutor) but also to put back on their feet (physician)
- useful to correct any attitudes, actions and motives that are not Christ-like
- correction is very similar to putting off sin; training in righteousness is putting on biblical character.
1. Identify specific patterns of sin in a child's heart; don't focus on one sin but look for the pattern (i.e. selfishness, pride, fear, worry); deal with the arsonist not just the little fire.
2. Identify portions of scripture that address the sins; i.e. selfishness - Phil. 2:3; Anger - James 4:1; worry - Matt. 6:25. Also look for people in the Bible who struggled with same or similar sin and how they dealt with temptation, confession and restoration.
-must explain Biblical reason for not sinning.
- keep a list of sin and reference in back of Bible for each child.

Questions to ensure thorough correction!
1. Does child need to change his mindset about _____ ?
2. Have I addressed thoughts / motives of his heart?
3. Has he confessed to all involved parties?
4. Is restitution in order?
5. Does he understand what God expects him to do when he finds himself in the same circumstance next time?

IV. Scripture is profitable for TRAINING
- if momentary sin is corrected still not the end.  If it is habitual, it will return unless child is trained in righteousness.
- GOAL is to help our children live Christ-like not just not like the devil.
- 1 Tim. 4:7 "exercise yourself town godliness." Good habits can be called 2nd nature.
- sword of the spirit is "ramah", different word than "logos" which is Word of God;  Bible used for defense should be in their hearts and on their tongues.  Ps. 40:8; Ps. 119:11; Matt. 4:4; Ps. 119:72
-train children to communicate properly; Communication Pie: 1/3 words / 1/3 non-verbal / 1/3 tone of voice.

Homeschool Conference recap -- part 1

Matthew and I attended an awesome Christian homeschool / parenting conference over the weekend.  We attended last year for the first time and this year was just as great.  I love it because it's a little flashback to college (making it to class on time, meeting back up for lunch, etc.) and a lot of encouragement for where we are now (hundreds of like-minded people, kids and babies EVERYWHERE with our family of soon-to-be 4 kids on the small to average size, and a little dose of romance as Matthew and I share a kiss in the hall before heading to different seminars).

Anyway, here's a recap of the seminars I attended (hopefully covering all over the next several days).  It helps me to remember what I heard by typing out my notes and you get to benefit of reading if you want to also!

** Teach Them Diligently, Part 1 -- Lou Priolo  (Deuteronomy 6:6-9)
-Family Devotion Time: start with questions, "What's going on in your life?", find Scriptures to solve problems.
I. Scripture is profitable for TEACHING your children
- Benefits of teaching in the milieu (daily life)
1. Children learn better, faster and more eagerly
2. Children put into practice what they learn because they are learning for the purpose of doing (not academic - not fact to be learned but truth to be lived), i.e. Great Commission; Col. 1:9, Ps. 119:96
- my job is to teach clearly
-children need to learn that the Bible has to do with life
    -"bind them as a sign on hand" -- actions
    -"frontals on your forehead" -- thoughts / motives
    -"write them on your doorposts and gates" -- in and out of the house
II. Scripture is profitable for CONVICTING your children
-Rev. 3:14: children do not know to the extent they are sinning, we must convict them of the crime they have committed.
-child cannot confess of sin they have not recognized.
**Two essentials of Conviction
1.Know the appropriate Scripture portions; 1 Peter 4:2, Phil. 4:13 for encouragement
2. Be able to thoroughly explain them. Don't just dispense Scripture like Pez but to minister it to my children's hearts.
**Guidelines for convicting with scriptures
1. Examine motives - restoring relationships; if only used for conviction children hate the Bible; must follow up with showing and leading toward righteousness.
2. Use Biblical terminology (prideful/rudeness - not shy; fearful - not paranoid; foolish - not idiot)
3. Argue case that sins are committed against God. Prov. 12; James 4; do not compare child's behavior to another child unless other is acting like Jesus.
4. Choose the right time.
5. Choose the right words.
6. Reprove with a gentle spirit (do not be angry, even righteously angry, over their sin), Prov. 28:23
-when kids are fighting, administer discipline justly.
-to calm the situation, remember it's not me versus them; 2 Tim. 2:4; 2 Tim. 4:2 -- Patience!!
- REMEMBER, good parenting doesn't send kids to heaven, bad parenting doesn't send kids to hell. Children must be directed to the gospel of Christ whenever it's not operating in their lives.

What's Going On

Have a moment to recap what's going on, so here goes.  I was going to write this an hour ago when the house was quiet but now I hear "Brave" playing in the background as Braewyn and her BFF neighbor Anna watch it and Chloe crying as she wants to go outside but where she will then just bark at the neighbor's cat.  Philip is next door with Anna's brothers and Juliet is asleep upstairs on her big-girl bottom bunk.  Matthew is at work and due home in about an hour.  I'm typing this post and feeling a baby stretching to make room for him/herself inside my every growing belly.  I am very thankful that this is my life.

There are moments in life when things change drastically without any future warning.  And then there are moments when change is coming and you don't know whether you want it to hurry up or cower in a corner for fear of it.  I'm expecting a baby and a change in life on or around June 3.  I told Matthew last night that a new baby will be in our house in about 8 weeks.  He said he is excited.  I'm excited to kiss that newborn-smelling skin, nurse that little one and know I am still nourishing him/her, and see Philip, Braewyn, and Juliet fall in love with their new baby sibling.

I am pushing to the back of my brain the fears of preparing meals when a baby needs to be nursed, making sure Juliet adjusts well to no longer being the youngest, functioning well enough to do more than just survive on little sleep, and trusting the Lord that this is His will because I have placed my life in His hands even when what He gives appears to be more than I can handle. 

That's the secret right there.  He doesn't want me to handle any of this in my own strength.  He desires things to be just tough enough so that I will run to Him in prayer and ask for His provision and extra grace.  I long to live in a place where life is always a bit overwhelming because there is where I cannot lose sight of my Savior.  Jesus died so I might not receive my due punishment of hell, but He lives today and intercedes for me daily so I might know His power in my life.

The apostle Paul asked the Lord why He wouldn't take away an ailment he struggled with.  What he found is recorded in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

I want Christ's power to rest on me.  This last week I decided to sleep in until Matthew was out of the shower and then begin my day with getting the kids' breakfasts ready and everything that follows.  For one, I wasn't sleeping soundly until Matthew got out of the shower and each day that passed, I knew my emotional stability was crumbling a little more.  

Last night, I made the decision that 45 more minutes of sleep was not worth the loss of feeling Christ's power resting on me.  I got up at 6:15 and headed to the bonus room couch with my Bible and BSF lesson.  I will confess to almost falling back asleep as I prayed, but knowing that I was making the effort to meet with the Lord before beginning my day brought peace that I have been missing.  I will begin tomorrow like that again and the day after.  

I do love my life but it is a lot on me.  I praise Jesus that He is walking me through this life and wants to see me do well.  When I do well, it brings Him glory and that's really the true reason I am here.

  

Working and Reading... in my spare time

I'm always up for the challenge of learning something new.  Raising children was like that and so was homeschooling.  Now that both of those are going fairly smoothly (I say that with GREAT hesitancy as I would never want to say I've arrived in either realm but am continually growing through the grace of God), when the opportunity was laid before me to have a real money-paying job, I took it!  About a month ago I took the job of Office Manager for Postal Equipment, Inc. Matthew and I know the owner, Leroy, through the Gideon ministry and it was at one of our camp meeting where he first asked me if I would consider the job.

After meeting with Leroy and his wife Janice and hearing more about the business, it seemed like a perfect fit.  He had been running the company all on his own for the seven years since he began it.  It had prevented their family from taking a vacation without handling business while there the whole time and with their son's wedding coming up in July, he really wanted someone who could handle it when he didn't want to.  Also, there was also a need for someone to handle things "in the office" while Leroy could spend some time on the road traveling to visit current customers and meet new ones.  That's where I come in.

I've been employed by Postal Equipment, Inc. for a month and have come to learn a lot about the bulk mail industry.  I've also learned that it's going to take a while to find a happy balance between homemaker and working mom. Mostly, it's just me getting anxious about the what if's.  What if we have another baby, what if it's too much once school starts in August, what if the kids feel neglected, etc.  Most days the job only requires me to enter 2-3 orders (this takes 20 minutes per order and they are often spaced out through the day) and occasionally run some ink or tabs (the little circle stickers which close folded mail) to our UPS store (thankfully, I've had to run things to UPS on Wednesdays so it actually causes us to be EARLY for church supper which is a blessing for us!).  Leroy added the task of contacting customers about some new products but said I can do as much or as little each day as I want.  It's fun talking to people and have something I can call my own.  Matthew is excited for me to have this job and the kids enjoyed receiving the little mailboxes Leroy gave them filled with candy.

And to ensure my days run smoothly (as far as I am able to control), I begin each morning (when my will power is stronger than my desire to sleep) with Bible study.  Since my BSF class ended last week, I am now reading through a devotional book and Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  There is a study group going through this book on Sunday nights at church through the summer.  So far I'm still in chapter 1 but my eyes are opening (or rather being reminded) to God's amazing love and our needed response.

"We need to stop giving people excuses not to believe in God. You've probably heard the expression, 'I believe in God, just not organized religion.' I don't think people would say that if the church truly lived like we are called to live. The expression would change to 'I can't deny what the church does, but I don't believe in their God.' At least then they'd address their rejection of God rather than use the church as a scapegoat." (Preface, page 21-22)