May the Fourth Build My Faith

Last Friday you may have heard someone say, "May the Fourth Be With You!"  That phrase came to be sometime in the last 40 years and it was decided that May 4th would become an unofficial holiday celebrating all things STAR WARS.  However in my family, May 4th holds significance for another reason.

(Matthew with his Mom and Dad)

For the last 20 years, May 4th was a day that could make or break me.  A test of my faith really.  Matthew's grandfather passed away on May 4th at the age of 44.  Matthew's dad passed away on May 4th at the age of 44.  Matthew never knew his grandfather and was only 17 when his dad went to be with the Lord.  He told me all this when we were dating.  A friend from college told me upon hearing those facts, "If you stay with him, you better make plans to camp out in the ER on May 4th when he's 44!"  Thinking it through, I wondered if I wanted to marry someone only to lose him 20 years later.  I wanted to but never did ask his mom Ruth Ann if she would have reconsidered marrying his dad Bill if she had known what was to come.

(Our engagement photo)

Today I know what her answer would have been as it's the same answer I would be happy to say to anyone who would ask me.  Resoundingly there is nothing I would change.  (Thank you, Ruth Ann.  You know this but it's worth saying again.  Your devotion to Bill and strength all these 24 years since losing him have always inspired me.  I know for certain you would not have traded those wonderful years of marriage and two amazing sons to not go through the heartache. And I love how when I asked you if you would marry again you answered, "When you've had the best why would you want another?")  I am thankful the Lord confirmed to me during those dating years that my decision to marry Matthew was His plan.  I was driving from my parents' house in Greenville one Sunday morning to attend Boiling Springs First Baptist (not yet my church) with Matthew.  Feeling quite fearful, I prayed all of it out to the Lord.  As close to an audible voice as I've ever experienced, I heard Him reply, "Things will go well for you with him."  I have clearly seen that statement become truth.

(Our 10th wedding anniversary)

So flash-forward 20 years and here we are married for 18 years, parents to six awesome children, and creeping closer to that May 4th date of his 44th year of life.  Today I am 42 and Matthew is 41. I have kept the emotions and struggle in trusting the Lord at bay for most of this time. Remember I said we've added SIX kids to the equation so that doesn't allow much down time to worry over it for too long.  Also my faith in the Lord has grown by leaps and bounds through these years.  Jesus has clearly shown me that He knows the length of each person's days (Psalm 139:16).  I have come to a full understanding that I could very well die before Matthew by means of cancer, heart attack, or getting hit by a truck.  It all did start hitting a little closer to home as I turned 40 and then Matthew 40 the next year. We were actually in our 40's now.  My 41st birthday shook me emotionally as I was still grieving my own Dad passing away and I was pregnant with our 6th child, Ezra.

The opposite side of battling fear over possibly losing Matthew at an early age is barricading my heart in an unhealthy way in case it were to happen.  This mindset was extremely exaggerated after watching my mom Patty emotionally and spiritually hit rock bottom after my dad Rich went to be with the Lord.  Seeing the horrible pain she went through that first year and still feels some days, I began wanting to avoid that at all cost.  The solution: not love Matthew as much as my mom loved my dad.  Of course I would be a faithful wife and take care of all he needed, but my heart would take a step back and prepare for the worst.  However God would not let me stay there as His plan for human marriage is for it to be a model of the love relationship between Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:22-33). His church has no reason to prepare for the worst.  Christ is always faithful, always truthful, and always ALWAYS.  He is eternal.

God in His gentle, loving ways secured these truths in my heart at a marriage conference Matthew and I attended last fall.  There were door prizes given throughout the weekend and I excitedly waited to hear our names read.  There were gift certificates for restaurants and home decor items.  I would have been plenty happy to receive something from a restaurant.  The Lord instead had this wall art in mind and seeing it when our names were read, I heard Him whisper to my heart, "Love Matthew always."  The barricade in my heart crumbled away.
 

The sermon at church last Sunday sealed this whole contemplation in my mind.  Pastor Hank preached from James 4:13-17 and explained how we should make life plans while still keeping in mind the uncertainty and brevity of life. The Bible says in verse 15, 'Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”' Pastor Hank explained why we should say, "If the Lord wills" in connection to the plans of our life.  First because God is in control.  We see His hand at work all through the Bible and even today if our spiritual eyes are looking for it.  Second because God's plan is best.  He knows us more intimately than we know ourselves and also knows every moment of our lives including those that have yet to happen.  And third because we can trust God.  He is the only one who never changes, never lies, and never stops loving us.  Even when we claim not to love Him.

The sermon helped me to see that if the Lord wills Matthew to pass away on May 4th at the age of 44 (or any day between now and then), God is in control and I can trust Him to walk beside me, even to carry me through the heartache.  However if the Lord wills for Matthew and I to grow old together into our 80's or 90's, my position should be to grow more in love with Matthew each of the days we have together.  As Christ desires for the church to grow more in love and dependence on Him, He wants me to feel more like that towards Matthew.  Understandably, first and foremost dependent on Him but fully committed to Matthew in our holy marriage covenant also.  A sweet woman at BSF whose husband passed away a few years ago was telling me about the loneliness she feels. I said, "I can't imagine what that must be like."  She said something I didn't expect. "Don't.  Don't think about what it would be like at all.  Just love your husband every day you have him."  That is good advice and what I want to do. The last verse of James 4 says, "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."  If I hold back part of my love for Matthew it would be sinful.  I will cling to the verse that has carried me through many situations, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5).  Each year when May 4th arrives again and I consider all that has been and all that might be, I want my faith in God to grow deeper too. And I want to celebrate my marriage for the wonderful blessing it is.  I also want to encourage you in whatever hard, long-standing, worrisome situation you might be living through, Jesus is faithful and Jesus is enough. 

What Makes Us Thankful

"Thankful" is a word that's been heavily tossed around the last few weeks.  We just finished this surreal span of life (at least in America) stretching from Thanksgiving to Christmas.  People are more sociable (except for when they kick, scream and steal on Black Friday), nostalgic (until the holiday family gatherings turn ugly), and charitable (well that is true but tax deductions often play a role).  All this has me pondering the attitude of thankfulness.  Where does it come from?  What is it built on? 

Having a houseful of children allows me a front row seat to raw emotion.  There is screaming when a toy is snatched from one by another.  There is stomping and slamming of doors when responsibilities are not fulfilled and privileges are revoked.  There are little bodies lying on the floor very expressively announcing, "I'm NOT tired!"  And then there are the Christmas wish lists!  Christmas is the time of year for children to request to their hearts content and really hope that everything appears on December 25.  It all seems quite silly to a mature, grown adult, but really how different are we from those sweet children?

Pondering what truly makes me thankful I began to wonder... am I really only appreciative of people because of what they can give me?  When someone doesn't follow through on an obligation does it bring them down a notch in my need for them?  Do I tend to nurture relationships with people who really just make my life easier? 

Sadly this might be true of human nature.  We are born with a survival nature and the need to do whatever it takes to have our needs met.  Anyone who has cared for a newborn will attest to that... cue background crying soundtrack!  But thankfully, we are loved by someone who is not at all like that.  His name is Jesus. You may have heard of him, but do you know him?  Really know him? 

Jesus is everywhere these days whether we acknowledge it or not.  Every time someone says Merry Christmas, He is mentioned.  He loves us so much that He left the splendor of Heaven to come to earth as a helpless baby for the purpose of showing us the way to live as He did, the truth of who God is, and the path to eternal life by His sacrificial death on a cross.  And He still shows up if we are ready to see Him.

My dad had a heart attack on June 10, 2015.  It was Vacation Bible School week at our church.  I had been at the hospital with my mom, Matthew and Sully (only 5 months old) for most of the afternoon and into the evening.  My mother-in-law had been able to take our other four kids to VBS.  Around 8:00 pm, my brother was taking my mom home for the night and Matthew and I would drive to church to bring our children home.  Driving down the main road of our town, I saw a cloud hanging in the sky (yes still blue skies at that time during a summer evening).  It was not puffy or whispy, but more of a column shape.  It stayed in front of me all the way.  Finally our church was in sight and the column of cloud extended straight up from it.  It was as if Jesus were speaking to me saying, "Remember, the Israelites?  I led them through the desert and I will lead you through this dark time too."  I was welcomed in the hall of our church by many friends who had heard about Dad being in the hospital and expressing their concern.  

If you are unfamiliar with the story you can read about the pillar of cloud and pillar of fire in the 13th chapter of Exodus in the Bible.  Jesus is at work all around us in so many exciting ways.  If you don't see Him working maybe it's because you haven't taken the time to look for Him.

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Jesus loves you and wants you to know Him! 

Boys in the Kitchen

I can tell I'm a more relaxed mom these days because I actually enjoy cooking with my children.  When the older ones were young, having them in the kitchen meant messes and more work for me.  Now there are still messes, but how can I say no when cooking with Mommy brings them such joy and the food will taste just as it would had they not helped.

Here's a recap of some recent kitchen adventures and the instructions for making one of our favorite lunches, Toast Pizza!

Toast Pizza is something I just stumbled upon in a moment of hunger and pizza craving.  Start with a loaf of French bread and slice into 1/2 inch thick pieces.

Toast pieces first to keep pizzas from becoming soggy.

Now add kids to the process!  Bread slices are placed on baking pans.  With a good bit of assistance, Sully can get spoonfuls of pizza sauce onto the bread.  

Rylan joins in when it's time to add toppings.  Yes I wash their hands before helping but there is a bit of snacking while adding toppings.  The pizzas might not be as germ-free as if I had made them by myself, but they will soon be going into the oven which will kill all germs.  Plus we're just cooking for our own family!

Toast pizzas are topped to the desire of all family members eating lunch.  Next place the baking pans into a preheated 350 degree oven for 15-20 minutes or until cheese is melted. 

Warm, gooey and crispy!  I wish you could smell them.

When making cupcakes recently, Sully could hardly believe I let him help with the mixer.

He was a pro at lining the cupcake pan.

Last Friday we celebrated St.Patrick's Day with green muffins and green eggs.  Sadly, I had forgotten about buying ham so we didn't have any to eat with the green eggs.   For a 3-year-old, Rylan is a master egg cracker.  I taught him by saying, "Give it a good smack on the side of the bowl, put your thumbs in the crack, and open it like a book."  He comes running if he hears there are eggs to be cracked!

So much fun to stir drops of green food coloring into beaten eggs.

Not the most visually appealing food to the adult eye, but a whimsical meal for children and really yummy just the same. 

Who knows what Rylan and Sully will want to be when they grow up.  If one of them decide on becoming a chef, I'm thinking that will include fringe benefits for their Mommy who gave her boys their first cooking lessons in the kitchen. Bring on the samples! 

A Name 200 Years in the Making

While I was pregnant with Ezra, Matthew and I decided if the baby was a boy we would give him the middle name Hastings.  This was my Dad's middle name.  Richard Hastings Allen.  On January 11, 2017, we met Ezra Hastings Brooks.

During my pregnancy I had written in dry erase marker on my bathroom mirror a reminder to call Grandma Allen, Dad's last living parent, or Aunt Gail, his older sister.  I wanted to ask if they knew why Hastings was picked as his middle name.  The day arrived to deliver my newest little baby and I had not taken the time to make a phone call about this name. We had not picked out a girl's name so as I gathered my things for the hospital, I picked up a 3-ring binder which held Philip's genealogy back to the 1600's.  My Grandpa Allen had spent many years on his hobby of genealogy.

Laying in my hospital bed not feeling the contractions too strongly thanks to an epidural, Matthew and I decided on a baby girl's name, Lindy Grace.  Tucked inside the front pocket of that 3-ring binder was a smaller booklet tracing Matthew's family tree.  His great-grandmother's name was Melinda.  Her family called her Lindy.  I felt a great sense of relief knowing that if I gave birth to a baby girl in the next few hours, she would have a name.  I put the binder away for now.  Later that evening, we met our fourth son and no longer had need for name books.

The following day, a quiet moment came while resting in our hospital room.  Matthew lay on the window seat / bed watching TV, Ezra slept peacefully in his plexiglass bassinet, and I picked up that 3-ring binder again this time wondering if there were any family members named Ezra in our history. Matthew had asked a month or so before if I liked the name Ezra.  It was a Biblical name.  We had decided all of our children would have a Biblical name and a family name.  Since Hastings covered the family part, we were searching for a Biblical counterpart.  In all 400 plus years of my heritage, there was not one Ezra!  Pretty amazing because there were a lot of other Biblical names such as Jeremiah's and Obediah's, etc.

I reached the last page in the binder and found a manila mailing envelope in the back pocket.  Pulling it out, I read my name and childhood address.  My Grandpa Allen had mailed my brother Mike and I these papers in 1992.  I was in 11th grade but not really interested in genealogy.  Opening it, I found a typed letter from my grandpa describing the following contents.  He included my lineage from three American Revolutionary War soldiers.  The pages flowed one to the next on this old computer paper attached at the top and bottom of each page.  Flipping one page near the end, a yellow post it note caught my eye.

Even 10 years after my grandpa's death, the Lord allowed him to tell me himself the answer to my question.  My dad had been given the maiden name of my great-great-great grandmother Mary Hastings Haywood as his middle name.  Such a heritage for my new baby Ezra.  Suddenly giving him this name meant so much more.

I've told my brother that we probably wouldn't have picked Hastings as Ezra's middle name if Dad was still living.  Saying my baby's name is bittersweet.  However since we won't see Dad this side of Heaven, saying Ezra's name keeps him always with us.

One day, provided Ezra comes to know Jesus as his personal savior, he will get to meet his Papa. Maybe we'll all meet Mary Hastings Haywood too!

I love and miss you, Dad!

Don't Forget Big Brother!

With all the excitement and anticipation of Baby #6's arrival, I temporarily forgot my "baby" was having a birthday soon.  Sully turned 2 on January 5.  I knew having a newborn would make Sully seem huge soon enough so I tried to enjoy my little 2 year old all day long on his birthday.  Here's a recap of how Sully spent his birthday.

Chocolate candy before breakfast is the way to start a birthday!

Reminiscing back to his first few days.

Trying out our new double stroller he will share with baby brother Ezra.

Helping Mommy with laundry.

Playing with his Christmas toys.

Watching some Disney Junior.  We love The Lion Guard.

More candy!

Lunch with one of his favorite buddies.

Giving me those silly eyes.

Skip ahead a few hours because Sully napped and Mommy forgot to take photos at dinner.  He was still the "baby" that day so got all his big sisters' attention.

Our super happy Sully jumping in the crib.

With the snow storm blowing in the next day, Sully's family party was postponed until Sunday when Grandma and Nana could both be there.  Nana spent the weekend with us just in case the baby came, but Grandma was snowed in at her house. Daddy knocked it out of the park with an awesome Minion cake.  Sully loves those minions and has even learned to say, 

"Ba-na-naaaa!"

What is all that white stuff?

Nana played in the snow with Braewyn and Rylan.

Sully wasn't sure he wanted to play.  This is where he stood until I took him inside 10 minutes later.

Super cute none the less!

Super yummy Minion.

Happy Birthday to Sully!

And Minion sheets to celebrate sharing Rylan's bed in a few months once Ezra moves into the crib and Sully moves out.

Sullivan James, you are definitely a gift from Jesus and you bring such joy to our lives!!

Baby Ezra Has Arrived!

After what seemed like a never ending pregnancy, I delivered a beautiful baby boy yesterday at 8:12 pm. Our sweet Ezra Hastings is just perfectly formed and enjoying life as best as I can tell. He weighs 7 lbs., 3 oz. and is 20" long. So very tiny compared to his big brothers and sisters. I will post again soon with all the special thoughts that have been floating around in my head these last few weeks.  Thank you for praying for us as we get to know and care for Ezra and for him to get to know us. He is most definitely a blessing from Jesus and a clear example of His ability to create great and amazing things.

A Weekend Spent Camping

Camping is one of those activities in which I look so forward to, wonder why I ever decided to go while there, and then once home kind of wish I was still there.  My parents took my brother and I camping many times as teenagers.  We always stayed in a tent and always ate pasta salad because it only involved boiling water.  Camping was all about free time, roasting marshmallows, and breathing in that crisp, clean air in the morning upon emerging from out tent.

That was then.  This is now.  Now I'm the mom. My husband didn't grow up camping and has no nostalgic memories he's trying to relive. And we have small children with us.  Camping is not very relaxing as there's a lot of parenting involved. ("Get that toddler out of the street." "Don't let him near the fire." "I suppose you can walk to the jumping pillow if you all stay together.")   And never did I know how much my mom had to pack. (I have a hard enough time planning meals at home when all supplies are within a few steps. A spatula is required when making french toast! This time of year we need warm clothes and cooler clothes.  And don't forget pillows!!)

However all that said, I look back through these photos and wouldn't trade the weekend for anything. There were memories made, friendships strengthened, and really yummy food eaten!  It's nice camping with people who know what they're doing!!  (Men with a really big propane griddle who make hibachi chicken for dinner!)

Cherokee KOA Campground or Bust!!

We are blessed to have children who love road trips.

The views from the Blue Ridge Parkway amazed us all.  Jesus blessed us with a beautiful day!  His creation is truly awesome.

Fall foliage!!!

And we arrived!  Let commune living commence.

This is how five toddlers keep themselves busy in the great outdoors.

The Jump Pad was a hit with the preschool group.

Sully learned to slide all by himself.

Down he goes.

And has the static hair to show for it.

Again, again!

Escape from everyday life did feel really good.

The first two times we camped as a family included staying in a tent.  Now with five children and being pregnant, I thought a cabin would be the way to go!

The other four families each have their own camper.  The kids all seemed to embrace our cabin as the community play house.  Big kids hung out on the porch.  Younger kids played "family" inside.

This quaint, two-room cabin fit our family nicely.  Here is the "master bedroom" with Pooh Bear "master bath".  That thing was priceless with having Rylan who's only been potty-trained for a few months.  And it was possibly used by an adult in the middle of the night too who shall remain nameless but didn't want to walk to the bathhouse in the dark!

Sully slept great both nights in his pack-n-play at the foot of our bed.

Philip and Rylan shared bunkbeds as usual, but...

their sisters, Braewyn and Juliet, slept in bunks on the other side of the room instead of in the next room over like at home.

Although we did a lot of group cooking, I found a few recipes I wanted to try over the campfire.

Our English Muffin pizzas turned out really good actually.

Sully enjoyed his pizza despite leaves falling onto his plate.

They must have been really good because lunchtime led right into naptime!!  That boy can sleep ANYWHERE!

Rylan enjoyed sharing some leftover olives with his friend Lizzy.

This campground had lots of fun things to do including an indoor swimming pool.  Swimming while looking at the fall foliage out the windows was a great experience.

All tuckered out.

Not sure if these banana bikes were pregnancy approved but they were pretty fun.  

The rainbow jumping pillow may have been the kids' favorite past-time of the weekend.

I think these kids were the first ones awake each morning in the campground.  I was glad I had packed boxes of doughnuts because they made a good early morning snack on our front porch.

Pajama-clad toddler roaming the street in the crisp morning air.

Thankful for some friends who told me about Mingo Falls, just a few minutes drive from the campground. (Here's a look at the whole gang!)

Some of the older kids ventured up beside the falls.  Made us moms a nervous wreck.

Sully: "Why can't I climb up the falls?"

Ollie: "I'm feeling pretty good staying right here."

Funny how kids react to things.  Rylan was so scared walking along the path (there was a steep drop off on one side) and terrified of every dog that came near.  Looking happy here.

Proof that kids can be happy just playing with dirt.

Sadly, time to return to civilization.

“There is no one like the God of Israel. He rides across the heavens to help you, across the skies in majestic splendor." Deuteronomy 33:26

It was a quiet ride home.

This face right here says, "Camping was great!!!"  Looking back on it now, I think we'll try it again one day.  Sitting beside me while I type this post, Rylan has said about 20 times he wants to go camping right now.