May the Fourth Build My Faith

Last Friday you may have heard someone say, "May the Fourth Be With You!"  That phrase came to be sometime in the last 40 years and it was decided that May 4th would become an unofficial holiday celebrating all things STAR WARS.  However in my family, May 4th holds significance for another reason.

(Matthew with his Mom and Dad)

For the last 20 years, May 4th was a day that could make or break me.  A test of my faith really.  Matthew's grandfather passed away on May 4th at the age of 44.  Matthew's dad passed away on May 4th at the age of 44.  Matthew never knew his grandfather and was only 17 when his dad went to be with the Lord.  He told me all this when we were dating.  A friend from college told me upon hearing those facts, "If you stay with him, you better make plans to camp out in the ER on May 4th when he's 44!"  Thinking it through, I wondered if I wanted to marry someone only to lose him 20 years later.  I wanted to but never did ask his mom Ruth Ann if she would have reconsidered marrying his dad Bill if she had known what was to come.

(Our engagement photo)

Today I know what her answer would have been as it's the same answer I would be happy to say to anyone who would ask me.  Resoundingly there is nothing I would change.  (Thank you, Ruth Ann.  You know this but it's worth saying again.  Your devotion to Bill and strength all these 24 years since losing him have always inspired me.  I know for certain you would not have traded those wonderful years of marriage and two amazing sons to not go through the heartache. And I love how when I asked you if you would marry again you answered, "When you've had the best why would you want another?")  I am thankful the Lord confirmed to me during those dating years that my decision to marry Matthew was His plan.  I was driving from my parents' house in Greenville one Sunday morning to attend Boiling Springs First Baptist (not yet my church) with Matthew.  Feeling quite fearful, I prayed all of it out to the Lord.  As close to an audible voice as I've ever experienced, I heard Him reply, "Things will go well for you with him."  I have clearly seen that statement become truth.

(Our 10th wedding anniversary)

So flash-forward 20 years and here we are married for 18 years, parents to six awesome children, and creeping closer to that May 4th date of his 44th year of life.  Today I am 42 and Matthew is 41. I have kept the emotions and struggle in trusting the Lord at bay for most of this time. Remember I said we've added SIX kids to the equation so that doesn't allow much down time to worry over it for too long.  Also my faith in the Lord has grown by leaps and bounds through these years.  Jesus has clearly shown me that He knows the length of each person's days (Psalm 139:16).  I have come to a full understanding that I could very well die before Matthew by means of cancer, heart attack, or getting hit by a truck.  It all did start hitting a little closer to home as I turned 40 and then Matthew 40 the next year. We were actually in our 40's now.  My 41st birthday shook me emotionally as I was still grieving my own Dad passing away and I was pregnant with our 6th child, Ezra.

The opposite side of battling fear over possibly losing Matthew at an early age is barricading my heart in an unhealthy way in case it were to happen.  This mindset was extremely exaggerated after watching my mom Patty emotionally and spiritually hit rock bottom after my dad Rich went to be with the Lord.  Seeing the horrible pain she went through that first year and still feels some days, I began wanting to avoid that at all cost.  The solution: not love Matthew as much as my mom loved my dad.  Of course I would be a faithful wife and take care of all he needed, but my heart would take a step back and prepare for the worst.  However God would not let me stay there as His plan for human marriage is for it to be a model of the love relationship between Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:22-33). His church has no reason to prepare for the worst.  Christ is always faithful, always truthful, and always ALWAYS.  He is eternal.

God in His gentle, loving ways secured these truths in my heart at a marriage conference Matthew and I attended last fall.  There were door prizes given throughout the weekend and I excitedly waited to hear our names read.  There were gift certificates for restaurants and home decor items.  I would have been plenty happy to receive something from a restaurant.  The Lord instead had this wall art in mind and seeing it when our names were read, I heard Him whisper to my heart, "Love Matthew always."  The barricade in my heart crumbled away.
 

The sermon at church last Sunday sealed this whole contemplation in my mind.  Pastor Hank preached from James 4:13-17 and explained how we should make life plans while still keeping in mind the uncertainty and brevity of life. The Bible says in verse 15, 'Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”' Pastor Hank explained why we should say, "If the Lord wills" in connection to the plans of our life.  First because God is in control.  We see His hand at work all through the Bible and even today if our spiritual eyes are looking for it.  Second because God's plan is best.  He knows us more intimately than we know ourselves and also knows every moment of our lives including those that have yet to happen.  And third because we can trust God.  He is the only one who never changes, never lies, and never stops loving us.  Even when we claim not to love Him.

The sermon helped me to see that if the Lord wills Matthew to pass away on May 4th at the age of 44 (or any day between now and then), God is in control and I can trust Him to walk beside me, even to carry me through the heartache.  However if the Lord wills for Matthew and I to grow old together into our 80's or 90's, my position should be to grow more in love with Matthew each of the days we have together.  As Christ desires for the church to grow more in love and dependence on Him, He wants me to feel more like that towards Matthew.  Understandably, first and foremost dependent on Him but fully committed to Matthew in our holy marriage covenant also.  A sweet woman at BSF whose husband passed away a few years ago was telling me about the loneliness she feels. I said, "I can't imagine what that must be like."  She said something I didn't expect. "Don't.  Don't think about what it would be like at all.  Just love your husband every day you have him."  That is good advice and what I want to do. The last verse of James 4 says, "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."  If I hold back part of my love for Matthew it would be sinful.  I will cling to the verse that has carried me through many situations, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5).  Each year when May 4th arrives again and I consider all that has been and all that might be, I want my faith in God to grow deeper too. And I want to celebrate my marriage for the wonderful blessing it is.  I also want to encourage you in whatever hard, long-standing, worrisome situation you might be living through, Jesus is faithful and Jesus is enough. 

Grief is a Journey

Grief is not an emotion. It is an active state of being which must be worked through. I've felt it many times in my life but only began to recognize it for what it is after losing my dad two summers ago.

Grief first appeared back in the beginning of history with the first family.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God and lost the close relationship which they first shared with Him. Then sometime after that their son Cain killed his brother Abel.  I'm sure there was much grief in the hearts of Adam, Eve and even God. Grief follows any loss such as a death, loss of job, loss of relationship due to divorce or physical separation, even loss of what could be or how things should be.

A little over two years ago on June 27, 2015, my dad, Rich Allen, passed away.  He entered Heaven but doing so meant he left this world and our relationship ended. Well at least for the time being.  I will see and hug him again when I enter Heaven myself.  His death came suddenly and yet in a way I was prepared.  Dad was working at Amazon and had a heart attack on June 10th of that same year.  He fell to the concrete floor banging his head.  My mom, Patty, was called and she and I met at the Emergency Room.  Thankfully we visited with Dad for a few minutes before he was taken back to have a stint put in his heart.  I don't think we made eye contact in those moments as he was badly shaken emotionally as well as physically.  After he came out of the procedure, I was able to see him again for a few minutes in Cardiac ICU.  He just kept saying how badly his head hurt.  Sometime during that night, his brain began to bleed which resulted in emergency brain surgery the following morning.  I never again saw my dad awake.  He laid in a bed in Neuro ICU for over two weeks and then passed away after being off of life support for two days.  

During those weeks of visiting Dad at the hospital, my heart began grieving while he was still with us.  I prayed daily for the Lord to heal him and restore his health.  Although at the same time, my "hope for the best but expect the worst" personality was trying to steady myself for the possibility that the day Jesus would take Dad home to heaven might be coming.  My mom obviously was not at all ready to lose her husband.  Who would be?  As the nurses and test results showed my dad's condition worsening, my fear was growing as to how she would handle receiving the facts of his condition.  One night just a few days before his life support would be turned off, I just sat in the bed of my parents' guest room and recited Psalm 23 over and over while crying.  The pit of despair is deep where a daughter just prays for the Lord to take her father's spirit to prevent her mother from having to give consent to have his life support turned off.  That pit was my darkest grieving moment.  And yet the Lord is faithful. 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

My grief continued as I then began to feel the loss of the relationship I had with my mom.   With the loss of my dad and her husband, we both became different people.  Grief changes you and sometimes not in good ways.  I went through angry days, and mom was just lost in her depression and sadness. I was hurting just to see her so completely broken.  Unfortunately my grief turned often toward saying or doing anything which I thought might help her accept what had happened.  It usually only made things worse.  And yet again the Lord is so faithful. During those days, my husband Matthew and I grew so close as he had lost his dad at age 17.  He understood the pain I was feeling and was able to comfort and cry with me.

The Lord brought another someone to comfort me during those dark days.  A friend I'd not seen since junior high school sent me a Facebook message almost the exact minute as I was sending her a message. Kayne lost her father the summer before I lost mine. Her father passed away after complications following a liver transplant.  We began emailing, texting, and calling each other.  She expressed such understanding of the feelings I was having as she had felt many of the same things just the year before.  When suffering it helps so much to know someone has been there.  I am forever thankful to the Lord for bringing Kayne back into my life and renewing our friendship.  She has told me likewise that in comforting me she received comfort herself. 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Grief is something that can easily overwhelm and control a person if not worked through.  One of the books I read early on said talking out your grief brings about great healing.  I took that to heart and signed on anyone I came into contact with as my personal grief counselor.  Speaking to my Sunday school class, my BSF group, anyone who would listen and realizing over and over that most people my age and older (and a few even younger) have experienced death and grief. Sharing that story of losing someone close to them enabled us both to receive a healing. My healing had really started even before saying goodbye to Dad by writing out our story on CaringBridge.org while he stayed in the hospital.  It proved to be so therapeutic for me.  It allowed me to connect with so many people who knew him as I then met them at the visitation service and recognized their names from the comments they left on the website.  

This past April as I was still trying to find a way to "fix" my mom's sadness, I asked her if she would consider attending a Griefshare class with me. Griefshare is a Christian grief support group which teaches a person how to do the work needed to heal from a deep grief.  Surprisingly, she said she would go, not because she wanted to but because she knew I wanted her to.  I said I would take it!  We went the first night and both left with reservations about going back.  The next week's meeting fell on Braewyn's 10th birthday so we would not be able to attend anyway.  Through the week I spoke with my neighbor Rich who is a military chaplain and my friend Elizabeth who had attended the first class also.  Rich said the group dynamic is what really brings about healing in that situation, and Elizabeth, who was undecided about returning also, said her husband commented that going wouldn't do any harm.  I decided to give the group another try.  Mom just didn't feel comfortable there so didn't return.

For anyone who has experienced a life-changing grief, I cannot plead with you enough to please find a Griefshare group.  The videos are very well produced and contain such deep insight.  There are interviews with grief counselors who have experienced heartache themselves as well as others who just share from their hearts about their personal grief.  Then there is small group discussion time.  You are not required to share anything.  It is fine just to sit and listen.  However in listening to the feelings of those in the group, I knew they would understand some of what I was feeling.  It also opened my eyes to how grief comes in so many forms.  One woman was there after losing her 43-year-old son.  Another had lost a granddaughter to a drug overdose.  Several had lost their husbands.  And a few men who were now widowers.  Over the 13 weeks, I grew to love these people I saw no where else but this room where Griefshare met.  The Lord knew people would need one other to love and support each other through the trials of life.

 Although my mom did not continue attending Griefshare, the class brought healing to our relationship by what I learned.  Just as Jesus was the only one who could have restored my dad's health, Jesus was and is the only one who can truly heal my mom's broken heart.  Once I realized that nothing I could say or do would "fix" my mom the pressure was off.  I still have to fight back the urge to "encourage" her to do what I think would help but it doesn't consume me.  Griefshare helped me to see that someone who is grieving will grieve as long as he or she chooses to and no one can change that.  It takes some people longer to get through it than others.  We can't expect everyone to grieve the same way.

As hard as the last two years have been and as much as I miss my dad, I am thankful for the way the Lord has grown me.  Grief is awful and yet it is beautiful.  I've never thought of myself as an overly compassionate person, but yet I am so much more able now to relate to others going through really tough times.  I do not hesitate reaching out to those who are hurting.  Since losing Dad, so many have entered my life whom also felt grief.  A sweet couple at church who said goodbye to their perfectly formed, beautiful baby girl born stillborn just days before her due date.  Two friends who lost their fathers and a friend who lost her mother, all suddenly or after a short illness.  A dear friend who found out at her 20 week ultrasound that the Lord had already taken her baby's spirit to heaven.  Two friends whose husbands died suddenly or after a very brief illness. A young couple who found their 4-month-old son no longer breathing one morning in his crib. Horrible, heartwrenching experiences and yet the Lord is faithful.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Thinking hard times won't come is really only setting yourself up for despair.  I am thankful in knowing Jesus as my Lord and Savior that I will be one day going to my eternal home in Heaven where there is no grief.  Until then I want to praise Him for being the one who carried me through all the deep sadness of saying goodbye to Dad and who will carry me through any just as hard days to come.  The lyrics of the song "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman reflect my heart.

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful 

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out, I'll 

Turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be'

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering 

Though there's pain in the offering 

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll 

Turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name, oh

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

God you give and take away

Oh you give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name