Grief is a Journey

Grief is not an emotion. It is an active state of being which must be worked through. I've felt it many times in my life but only began to recognize it for what it is after losing my dad two summers ago.

Grief first appeared back in the beginning of history with the first family.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God and lost the close relationship which they first shared with Him. Then sometime after that their son Cain killed his brother Abel.  I'm sure there was much grief in the hearts of Adam, Eve and even God. Grief follows any loss such as a death, loss of job, loss of relationship due to divorce or physical separation, even loss of what could be or how things should be.

A little over two years ago on June 27, 2015, my dad, Rich Allen, passed away.  He entered Heaven but doing so meant he left this world and our relationship ended. Well at least for the time being.  I will see and hug him again when I enter Heaven myself.  His death came suddenly and yet in a way I was prepared.  Dad was working at Amazon and had a heart attack on June 10th of that same year.  He fell to the concrete floor banging his head.  My mom, Patty, was called and she and I met at the Emergency Room.  Thankfully we visited with Dad for a few minutes before he was taken back to have a stint put in his heart.  I don't think we made eye contact in those moments as he was badly shaken emotionally as well as physically.  After he came out of the procedure, I was able to see him again for a few minutes in Cardiac ICU.  He just kept saying how badly his head hurt.  Sometime during that night, his brain began to bleed which resulted in emergency brain surgery the following morning.  I never again saw my dad awake.  He laid in a bed in Neuro ICU for over two weeks and then passed away after being off of life support for two days.  

During those weeks of visiting Dad at the hospital, my heart began grieving while he was still with us.  I prayed daily for the Lord to heal him and restore his health.  Although at the same time, my "hope for the best but expect the worst" personality was trying to steady myself for the possibility that the day Jesus would take Dad home to heaven might be coming.  My mom obviously was not at all ready to lose her husband.  Who would be?  As the nurses and test results showed my dad's condition worsening, my fear was growing as to how she would handle receiving the facts of his condition.  One night just a few days before his life support would be turned off, I just sat in the bed of my parents' guest room and recited Psalm 23 over and over while crying.  The pit of despair is deep where a daughter just prays for the Lord to take her father's spirit to prevent her mother from having to give consent to have his life support turned off.  That pit was my darkest grieving moment.  And yet the Lord is faithful. 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

My grief continued as I then began to feel the loss of the relationship I had with my mom.   With the loss of my dad and her husband, we both became different people.  Grief changes you and sometimes not in good ways.  I went through angry days, and mom was just lost in her depression and sadness. I was hurting just to see her so completely broken.  Unfortunately my grief turned often toward saying or doing anything which I thought might help her accept what had happened.  It usually only made things worse.  And yet again the Lord is so faithful. During those days, my husband Matthew and I grew so close as he had lost his dad at age 17.  He understood the pain I was feeling and was able to comfort and cry with me.

The Lord brought another someone to comfort me during those dark days.  A friend I'd not seen since junior high school sent me a Facebook message almost the exact minute as I was sending her a message. Kayne lost her father the summer before I lost mine. Her father passed away after complications following a liver transplant.  We began emailing, texting, and calling each other.  She expressed such understanding of the feelings I was having as she had felt many of the same things just the year before.  When suffering it helps so much to know someone has been there.  I am forever thankful to the Lord for bringing Kayne back into my life and renewing our friendship.  She has told me likewise that in comforting me she received comfort herself. 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Grief is something that can easily overwhelm and control a person if not worked through.  One of the books I read early on said talking out your grief brings about great healing.  I took that to heart and signed on anyone I came into contact with as my personal grief counselor.  Speaking to my Sunday school class, my BSF group, anyone who would listen and realizing over and over that most people my age and older (and a few even younger) have experienced death and grief. Sharing that story of losing someone close to them enabled us both to receive a healing. My healing had really started even before saying goodbye to Dad by writing out our story on CaringBridge.org while he stayed in the hospital.  It proved to be so therapeutic for me.  It allowed me to connect with so many people who knew him as I then met them at the visitation service and recognized their names from the comments they left on the website.  

This past April as I was still trying to find a way to "fix" my mom's sadness, I asked her if she would consider attending a Griefshare class with me. Griefshare is a Christian grief support group which teaches a person how to do the work needed to heal from a deep grief.  Surprisingly, she said she would go, not because she wanted to but because she knew I wanted her to.  I said I would take it!  We went the first night and both left with reservations about going back.  The next week's meeting fell on Braewyn's 10th birthday so we would not be able to attend anyway.  Through the week I spoke with my neighbor Rich who is a military chaplain and my friend Elizabeth who had attended the first class also.  Rich said the group dynamic is what really brings about healing in that situation, and Elizabeth, who was undecided about returning also, said her husband commented that going wouldn't do any harm.  I decided to give the group another try.  Mom just didn't feel comfortable there so didn't return.

For anyone who has experienced a life-changing grief, I cannot plead with you enough to please find a Griefshare group.  The videos are very well produced and contain such deep insight.  There are interviews with grief counselors who have experienced heartache themselves as well as others who just share from their hearts about their personal grief.  Then there is small group discussion time.  You are not required to share anything.  It is fine just to sit and listen.  However in listening to the feelings of those in the group, I knew they would understand some of what I was feeling.  It also opened my eyes to how grief comes in so many forms.  One woman was there after losing her 43-year-old son.  Another had lost a granddaughter to a drug overdose.  Several had lost their husbands.  And a few men who were now widowers.  Over the 13 weeks, I grew to love these people I saw no where else but this room where Griefshare met.  The Lord knew people would need one other to love and support each other through the trials of life.

 Although my mom did not continue attending Griefshare, the class brought healing to our relationship by what I learned.  Just as Jesus was the only one who could have restored my dad's health, Jesus was and is the only one who can truly heal my mom's broken heart.  Once I realized that nothing I could say or do would "fix" my mom the pressure was off.  I still have to fight back the urge to "encourage" her to do what I think would help but it doesn't consume me.  Griefshare helped me to see that someone who is grieving will grieve as long as he or she chooses to and no one can change that.  It takes some people longer to get through it than others.  We can't expect everyone to grieve the same way.

As hard as the last two years have been and as much as I miss my dad, I am thankful for the way the Lord has grown me.  Grief is awful and yet it is beautiful.  I've never thought of myself as an overly compassionate person, but yet I am so much more able now to relate to others going through really tough times.  I do not hesitate reaching out to those who are hurting.  Since losing Dad, so many have entered my life whom also felt grief.  A sweet couple at church who said goodbye to their perfectly formed, beautiful baby girl born stillborn just days before her due date.  Two friends who lost their fathers and a friend who lost her mother, all suddenly or after a short illness.  A dear friend who found out at her 20 week ultrasound that the Lord had already taken her baby's spirit to heaven.  Two friends whose husbands died suddenly or after a very brief illness. A young couple who found their 4-month-old son no longer breathing one morning in his crib. Horrible, heartwrenching experiences and yet the Lord is faithful.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

Thinking hard times won't come is really only setting yourself up for despair.  I am thankful in knowing Jesus as my Lord and Savior that I will be one day going to my eternal home in Heaven where there is no grief.  Until then I want to praise Him for being the one who carried me through all the deep sadness of saying goodbye to Dad and who will carry me through any just as hard days to come.  The lyrics of the song "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman reflect my heart.

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful 

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out, I'll 

Turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be'

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering 

Though there's pain in the offering 

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll 

Turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name, oh

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

God you give and take away

Oh you give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Showing His Joy

Anyone is welcome to read this post, but I'm writing to those who live their lives to follow Jesus.  It's not meant to be a social commentary but a reminder to think about what we believe and how we live.

So I saw "Beauty and The Beast" a few weeks ago with my older three children.  It was a beautiful remake of the Disney cartoon.  The songs were there. The characters were there.

Hearing about the hype regarding the "first openly gay Disney character" when the movie was coming out, I had read stories for and against the movie weeks before.  I went in knowing about and looking for these suggestively gay-oriented moments.  There was a strong undercurrent of gay pride, but it's hard to know if I would have noticed it as much had I not known it was coming.

The Christian community does have a right to voice our concerns.  Freedom of speech should be a human right when done in the right context: speaking the TRUTH in LOVE.  If any group pushes their agenda to the point of patronizing those who do not agree, it has crossed the line.  The gay-rights supporters pushed their point of view into a family movie.  I do not fault Christians for boycotting this movie.   (My family saw it at a discount theatre so not sure who gets our money but it wasn't full price.) We need to stand up against things we disagree with however just avoiding spending our money on movies or establishments which support the gay lifestyle is not necessarily the best method to promote our stance either.

Yes we need to clearly make known that the gay lifestyle is wrong according to the Bible ("Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable." Leviticus 18:22), but the underlying truth which we must also state is that God wants His best for every person.  His best is a right relationship with Him. "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9) The bottom line is that every person wants to feel loved.  Which would be better:  love from the gay community or love from the One who created the universe and who will never leave or forsake you? Don't misunderstand.  This is not a situation in which if we live the best we can and do the most good things we win God's love.  There is not one single person alive on the earth today who was alive on the day Jesus died on an old cross long ago.  And yet on that day, He died for each and every person alive on the earth today.  He knew each and every sin all those people including me and you would commit.  He died to pay the penalty so we might receive forgiveness.

Some may read this and think being gay is not wrong, just a different lifestyle choice.  I think of it this way.  My four-year-old son Rylan loves to be in the water.  He thinks he can swim which he can in the bathtub.  Recently we were at a friend's pool.  He was having a great time in the shallow end "swimming".  He was really just jumping around and splashing, feet touching the ground.  A few minutes later, he got out of the pool, walked to the deep end, and up onto the diving board. No life jacket on.  I began saying, "Rylan, stop.  Rylan, get off the diving board."  Then screaming, "Rylan, get off!!!"  Without hesitation, he walked to the end of the diving board and jumped into the water.  Thankfully my older son swam quickly into the deep end and pushed Rylan toward the edge where I pulled him out.

So what does that have to do with being gay?  Without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, a person does not recognize the dangers of living a gay lifestyle.  Without a personal conviction, none of us would leave behind the "good" things in life which are actually sinful. So where does that leave us who are following Jesus?  We must first pray for God to soften their hearts to the truth of His word.  Boycotting movies and avoiding gay-supportive stores may put a small dent in the issue, but it doesn't affect the lives of gay people.  PRAYER will.  The church catch phrase "Hate the sin, love the sinner" rings true in this case.  It appears the gay community does a better job of loving its people than the Christian community does with the people we should be trying to reach with the truth of salvation.  I don't encounter gay people often, but when I do I want that person to see me as friendly and not judgmental.  Speak the truth in love if there arises an opportunity but leave them wanting to know more of why I have joy.  And here's hoping that he or she runs into more Christians who also display that joy until one day they can't help to ask and we say, "It's from knowing Jesus!"

Boys in the Kitchen

I can tell I'm a more relaxed mom these days because I actually enjoy cooking with my children.  When the older ones were young, having them in the kitchen meant messes and more work for me.  Now there are still messes, but how can I say no when cooking with Mommy brings them such joy and the food will taste just as it would had they not helped.

Here's a recap of some recent kitchen adventures and the instructions for making one of our favorite lunches, Toast Pizza!

Toast Pizza is something I just stumbled upon in a moment of hunger and pizza craving.  Start with a loaf of French bread and slice into 1/2 inch thick pieces.

Toast pieces first to keep pizzas from becoming soggy.

Now add kids to the process!  Bread slices are placed on baking pans.  With a good bit of assistance, Sully can get spoonfuls of pizza sauce onto the bread.  

Rylan joins in when it's time to add toppings.  Yes I wash their hands before helping but there is a bit of snacking while adding toppings.  The pizzas might not be as germ-free as if I had made them by myself, but they will soon be going into the oven which will kill all germs.  Plus we're just cooking for our own family!

Toast pizzas are topped to the desire of all family members eating lunch.  Next place the baking pans into a preheated 350 degree oven for 15-20 minutes or until cheese is melted. 

Warm, gooey and crispy!  I wish you could smell them.

When making cupcakes recently, Sully could hardly believe I let him help with the mixer.

He was a pro at lining the cupcake pan.

Last Friday we celebrated St.Patrick's Day with green muffins and green eggs.  Sadly, I had forgotten about buying ham so we didn't have any to eat with the green eggs.   For a 3-year-old, Rylan is a master egg cracker.  I taught him by saying, "Give it a good smack on the side of the bowl, put your thumbs in the crack, and open it like a book."  He comes running if he hears there are eggs to be cracked!

So much fun to stir drops of green food coloring into beaten eggs.

Not the most visually appealing food to the adult eye, but a whimsical meal for children and really yummy just the same. 

Who knows what Rylan and Sully will want to be when they grow up.  If one of them decide on becoming a chef, I'm thinking that will include fringe benefits for their Mommy who gave her boys their first cooking lessons in the kitchen. Bring on the samples! 

A Name 200 Years in the Making

While I was pregnant with Ezra, Matthew and I decided if the baby was a boy we would give him the middle name Hastings.  This was my Dad's middle name.  Richard Hastings Allen.  On January 11, 2017, we met Ezra Hastings Brooks.

During my pregnancy I had written in dry erase marker on my bathroom mirror a reminder to call Grandma Allen, Dad's last living parent, or Aunt Gail, his older sister.  I wanted to ask if they knew why Hastings was picked as his middle name.  The day arrived to deliver my newest little baby and I had not taken the time to make a phone call about this name. We had not picked out a girl's name so as I gathered my things for the hospital, I picked up a 3-ring binder which held Philip's genealogy back to the 1600's.  My Grandpa Allen had spent many years on his hobby of genealogy.

Laying in my hospital bed not feeling the contractions too strongly thanks to an epidural, Matthew and I decided on a baby girl's name, Lindy Grace.  Tucked inside the front pocket of that 3-ring binder was a smaller booklet tracing Matthew's family tree.  His great-grandmother's name was Melinda.  Her family called her Lindy.  I felt a great sense of relief knowing that if I gave birth to a baby girl in the next few hours, she would have a name.  I put the binder away for now.  Later that evening, we met our fourth son and no longer had need for name books.

The following day, a quiet moment came while resting in our hospital room.  Matthew lay on the window seat / bed watching TV, Ezra slept peacefully in his plexiglass bassinet, and I picked up that 3-ring binder again this time wondering if there were any family members named Ezra in our history. Matthew had asked a month or so before if I liked the name Ezra.  It was a Biblical name.  We had decided all of our children would have a Biblical name and a family name.  Since Hastings covered the family part, we were searching for a Biblical counterpart.  In all 400 plus years of my heritage, there was not one Ezra!  Pretty amazing because there were a lot of other Biblical names such as Jeremiah's and Obediah's, etc.

I reached the last page in the binder and found a manila mailing envelope in the back pocket.  Pulling it out, I read my name and childhood address.  My Grandpa Allen had mailed my brother Mike and I these papers in 1992.  I was in 11th grade but not really interested in genealogy.  Opening it, I found a typed letter from my grandpa describing the following contents.  He included my lineage from three American Revolutionary War soldiers.  The pages flowed one to the next on this old computer paper attached at the top and bottom of each page.  Flipping one page near the end, a yellow post it note caught my eye.

Even 10 years after my grandpa's death, the Lord allowed him to tell me himself the answer to my question.  My dad had been given the maiden name of my great-great-great grandmother Mary Hastings Haywood as his middle name.  Such a heritage for my new baby Ezra.  Suddenly giving him this name meant so much more.

I've told my brother that we probably wouldn't have picked Hastings as Ezra's middle name if Dad was still living.  Saying my baby's name is bittersweet.  However since we won't see Dad this side of Heaven, saying Ezra's name keeps him always with us.

One day, provided Ezra comes to know Jesus as his personal savior, he will get to meet his Papa. Maybe we'll all meet Mary Hastings Haywood too!

I love and miss you, Dad!

Don't Forget Big Brother!

With all the excitement and anticipation of Baby #6's arrival, I temporarily forgot my "baby" was having a birthday soon.  Sully turned 2 on January 5.  I knew having a newborn would make Sully seem huge soon enough so I tried to enjoy my little 2 year old all day long on his birthday.  Here's a recap of how Sully spent his birthday.

Chocolate candy before breakfast is the way to start a birthday!

Reminiscing back to his first few days.

Trying out our new double stroller he will share with baby brother Ezra.

Helping Mommy with laundry.

Playing with his Christmas toys.

Watching some Disney Junior.  We love The Lion Guard.

More candy!

Lunch with one of his favorite buddies.

Giving me those silly eyes.

Skip ahead a few hours because Sully napped and Mommy forgot to take photos at dinner.  He was still the "baby" that day so got all his big sisters' attention.

Our super happy Sully jumping in the crib.

With the snow storm blowing in the next day, Sully's family party was postponed until Sunday when Grandma and Nana could both be there.  Nana spent the weekend with us just in case the baby came, but Grandma was snowed in at her house. Daddy knocked it out of the park with an awesome Minion cake.  Sully loves those minions and has even learned to say, 

"Ba-na-naaaa!"

What is all that white stuff?

Nana played in the snow with Braewyn and Rylan.

Sully wasn't sure he wanted to play.  This is where he stood until I took him inside 10 minutes later.

Super cute none the less!

Super yummy Minion.

Happy Birthday to Sully!

And Minion sheets to celebrate sharing Rylan's bed in a few months once Ezra moves into the crib and Sully moves out.

Sullivan James, you are definitely a gift from Jesus and you bring such joy to our lives!!

Baby Ezra Has Arrived!

After what seemed like a never ending pregnancy, I delivered a beautiful baby boy yesterday at 8:12 pm. Our sweet Ezra Hastings is just perfectly formed and enjoying life as best as I can tell. He weighs 7 lbs., 3 oz. and is 20" long. So very tiny compared to his big brothers and sisters. I will post again soon with all the special thoughts that have been floating around in my head these last few weeks.  Thank you for praying for us as we get to know and care for Ezra and for him to get to know us. He is most definitely a blessing from Jesus and a clear example of His ability to create great and amazing things.

Winter Family Field Trips

Thankfully Matthew is blessed with a great job which provides him with a lot of paid time off.  He decided to use a few of his vacation days so we could go on some family field trips last month.  Fun school days for all of us!

First stop, the Billy Graham Library in Charlotte, NC.

A drizzly day but it didn't spoil our fun.

The actual house Billy grew up in.

Billy's mother's favorite verses were Proverbs 3:5-6.  Those are my life verses also!

Inside the museum.  A replica of the Billy and Ruth Graham's living room.

Our little evangelists.

Sully at the "Berlin Wall".

An original Thomas Kinkade painting.

Visiting at Christmas time included a live nativity.

Billy's father was a cow farmer.  The barn theme was a nice touch!

We had a wonderful visit.  The museum really does inspire one to realize that if God can use the small-town son of a cow farmer to change the world for His glory, He can use anyone!!

Next up a little closer to home with two museums in Greenville, SC. We spent a day split between the Museum & Library of Confederate History and the Museum & Gallery at Heritage Green (a satellite facility of Bob Jones University).

Our confederate soldiers trying out the gift shop guns.

Can we say bull in a china shop?

My little soldiers are ready for a fight!  We'll have to go back next year when we study the Civil War and they actually know what all of this means.

This art gallery was actually very kid friendly.  The main level had a quiz for the children to examine works of art from the Renaissance period.  However there was no photography allowed.

The second floor included a children's room focusing on being a detective!  Juliet, Rylan and Sully just played with all the hands on activities.

Philip and Braewyn worked on solving cases based on clues around the room.

We had a great day of family time and learning about various things.