Friday, May 11, 2018

May the Fourth Build My Faith

Last Friday you may have heard someone say, "May the Fourth Be With You!"  That phrase came to be sometime in the last 40 years and it was decided that May 4th would become an unofficial holiday celebrating all things STAR WARS.  However in my family, May 4th holds significance for another reason.

(Matthew with his Mom and Dad)

For the last 20 years, May 4th was a day that could make or break me.  A test of my faith really.  Matthew's grandfather passed away on May 4th at the age of 44.  Matthew's dad passed away on May 4th at the age of 44.  Matthew never knew his grandfather and was only 17 when his dad went to be with the Lord.  He told me all this when we were dating.  A friend from college told me upon hearing those facts, "If you stay with him, you better make plans to camp out in the ER on May 4th when he's 44!"  Thinking it through, I wondered if I wanted to marry someone only to lose him 20 years later.  I wanted to but never did ask his mom Ruth Ann if she would have reconsidered marrying his dad Bill if she had known what was to come.

(Our engagement photo)

Today I know what her answer would have been as it's the same answer I would be happy to say to anyone who would ask me.  Resoundingly there is nothing I would change.  (Thank you, Ruth Ann.  You know this but it's worth saying again.  Your devotion to Bill and strength all these 24 years since losing him have always inspired me.  I know for certain you would not have traded those wonderful years of marriage and two amazing sons to not go through the heartache. And I love how when I asked you if you would marry again you answered, "When you've had the best why would you want another?")  I am thankful the Lord confirmed to me during those dating years that my decision to marry Matthew was His plan.  I was driving from my parents' house in Greenville one Sunday morning to attend Boiling Springs First Baptist (not yet my church) with Matthew.  Feeling quite fearful, I prayed all of it out to the Lord.  As close to an audible voice as I've ever experienced, I heard Him reply, "Things will go well for you with him."  I have clearly seen that statement become truth.
(Our 10th wedding anniversary)

So flash-forward 20 years and here we are married for 18 years, parents to six awesome children, and creeping closer to that May 4th date of his 44th year of life.  Today I am 42 and Matthew is 41. I have kept the emotions and struggle in trusting the Lord at bay for most of this time. Remember I said we've added SIX kids to the equation so that doesn't allow much down time to worry over it for too long.  Also my faith in the Lord has grown by leaps and bounds through these years.  Jesus has clearly shown me that He knows the length of each person's days (Psalm 139:16).  I have come to a full understanding that I could very well die before Matthew by means of cancer, heart attack, or getting hit by a truck.  It all did start hitting a little closer to home as I turned 40 and then Matthew 40 the next year. We were actually in our 40's now.  My 41st birthday shook me emotionally as I was still grieving my own Dad passing away and I was pregnant with our 6th child, Ezra.

The opposite side of battling fear over possibly losing Matthew at an early age is barricading my heart in an unhealthy way in case it were to happen.  This mindset was extremely exaggerated after watching my mom Patty emotionally and spiritually hit rock bottom after my dad Rich went to be with the Lord.  Seeing the horrible pain she went through that first year and still feels some days, I began wanting to avoid that at all cost.  The solution: not love Matthew as much as my mom loved my dad.  Of course I would be a faithful wife and take care of all he needed, but my heart would take a step back and prepare for the worst.  However God would not let me stay there as His plan for human marriage is for it to be a model of the love relationship between Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:22-33). His church has no reason to prepare for the worst.  Christ is always faithful, always truthful, and always ALWAYS.  He is eternal.


God in His gentle, loving ways secured these truths in my heart at a marriage conference Matthew and I attended last fall.  There were door prizes given throughout the weekend and I excitedly waited to hear our names read.  There were gift certificates for restaurants and home decor items.  I would have been plenty happy to receive something from a restaurant.  The Lord instead had this wall art in mind and seeing it when our names were read, I heard Him whisper to my heart, "Love Matthew always."  The barricade in my heart crumbled away.
 
The sermon at church last Sunday sealed this whole contemplation in my mind.  Pastor Hank preached from James 4:13-17 and explained how we should make life plans while still keeping in mind the uncertainty and brevity of life. The Bible says in verse 15, 'Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”' Pastor Hank explained why we should say, "If the Lord wills" in connection to the plans of our life.  First because God is in control.  We see His hand at work all through the Bible and even today if our spiritual eyes are looking for it.  Second because God's plan is best.  He knows us more intimately than we know ourselves and also knows every moment of our lives including those that have yet to happen.  And third because we can trust God.  He is the only one who never changes, never lies, and never stops loving us.  Even when we claim not to love Him.

The sermon helped me to see that if the Lord wills Matthew to pass away on May 4th at the age of 44 (or any day between now and then), God is in control and I can trust Him to walk beside me, even to carry me through the heartache.  However if the Lord wills for Matthew and I to grow old together into our 80's or 90's, my position should be to grow more in love with Matthew each of the days we have together.  As Christ desires for the church to grow more in love and dependence on Him, He wants me to feel more like that towards Matthew.  Understandably, first and foremost dependent on Him but fully committed to Matthew in our holy marriage covenant also.  A sweet woman at BSF whose husband passed away a few years ago was telling me about the loneliness she feels. I said, "I can't imagine what that must be like."  She said something I didn't expect. "Don't.  Don't think about what it would be like at all.  Just love your husband every day you have him."  That is good advice and what I want to do. The last verse of James 4 says, "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."  If I hold back part of my love for Matthew it would be sinful.  I will cling to the verse that has carried me through many situations, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5).  Each year when May 4th arrives again and I consider all that has been and all that might be, I want my faith in God to grow deeper too. And I want to celebrate my marriage for the wonderful blessing it is.  I also want to encourage you in whatever hard, long-standing, worrisome situation you might be living through, Jesus is faithful and Jesus is enough. 



Sunday, January 07, 2018

Why I'm Not Looking for God's Plan for Me

I'm a dreamer.  I always have been.  In middle school, I thought of finding a way to Hollywood to meet the stars of TV sitcoms.  In high school, I wanted to run away to a ranch in Montana and start a new life.  Going to college meant attempting to fulfill a dream of working for CNN and reporting the breaking news from around the world.  Fast forward 20 years and my dreams include being a famous Mommy Blogger or mission trips to various foreign countries.  Here I am a stay at home wife and mother.  If left unchecked, the mundane can zap the joy out of life. The "daydreams" begin to seem much more appealing than reality and the chores of laundry and dishes breed contempt for those who dirtied said laundry and dishes.

Thankfully the last several months have been a period of checks and balances over my spirit and my level of contentment.  The Lord is gentle in teaching us things.  He does not come in with a 2" by 4" and smack us over the head to get our attention.  Well sometimes He does but usually only after we have ignored His still, small voice many times.  I can now see clearly a path He was weaving for me which included a book, two movies and a few conversations. 

Rewind to October.  I drove seven other friends and myself to a conference about an hour away.  Christian author and speaker Heidi St. John had just published a new book entitled Becoming Mom Strong, and my friends and I were attending the first of her promotion conferences.  Her sessions were quite inspiring but actually reading the book over the next few months grew my faith by leaps and bounds.  Just simple truth which the world tramples over came to light in my spirit.

"God's love for His children is fierce.  It's tenacious. It's powerful.  It's real.  And when you pray for your children, Heaven is moved into action. ... God wants to meet you right where you are.  The key is to spend time with Him and learn to live in His presence.  That's when we experience His peace. When it's all said and done, a MomStrong mom doesn't trust in her own abilities; she trusts in a strong, sovereign God." (St. John, pg. 100-101)

For my birthday in November, my mom suggested that she and I go to a movie.  She had seen a new film advertised and so we saw "Same Kind of Different As Me."  I had watched the trailer but sitting in that theater, my mind began to race.  The true story follows a wealthy couple's dissolving marriage which is impacted when they befriend a homeless man.  There were so many scenes which touched my heart and my imagination.  Could I donate some time to help with a homeless shelter or soup kitchen?  How can my family give back to those less fortunate?  How can I help my family realize the degree of blessings we don't even recognize we have when others are barely just surviving?  I returned home wanting to change the world or at least a part of our town.

The hustle and bustle of Thanksgiving and then Christmas came full force.  No time to dream. Only time spent on shopping for groceries and presents, decorating, undecorating, and redecorating the house.  We did remember Jesus in the midst of it all and yet it still felt surface level.  My personal time for prayer and Bible study was hit or miss; either a deep personal encounter with Jesus which filled my soul and gave me the strength to face a new day or a few verses read through while cartoons played in the background on mornings I had slept in until the kids woke me up.


We are blessed by Matthew's wonderful job and his ability to take the week of Christmas off.  On December 27th, we asked my mom to babysit Ezra so Matthew and I could take the other five to lunch at Kanpai and the theater to see "The Greatest Showman".  From the moment it started, we were all swept away into the fantastically imaginative story of how P.T. Barnum came to begin the American phenomenon called the circus.  The movie is based on the true story with a lot of musical numbers and probably a good bit of storytelling added for effect.  However what it left me thinking was, "If Barnum could dream up the circus, what could God make happen through my life if I dreamed God-size dreams?!"

So being a natural dreamer and adding to that listening to "The Greatest Showman" soundtrack on our Echo once a day for the next week, my mind was racing as to what my mission from God could possibly be.  I've had the idea of collecting gently used Happy Meal toys from families at church to give to the soup kitchen so the kids there can enjoy a toy with their meal!  Matthew and I helped with a Saturday morning kids' club at a government housing project before we had children so maybe I could start another one of those.  Our church has plans to plant a church in Seattle so is God possibly readying our hearts to move there for a few years?  The dreams were swirling in my mind.  But the daily grind of being a wife and mother is enough most days.  I felt trapped and unable to reach my goal.  

Sharing all these thoughts with a friend, she provided me a new perspective.  Telling me about an opportunity that recently came for her and her husband to serve God, she told me that even before knowing what it would be they decided together to say yes to God.  "So when the opportunity came, we didn't have to think about it... we already knew... we had already covered it in prayer.  Here or there, short or long... it's the saying Yes that matters!  Don't look for the mission... say Yes to God and He will bring the mission!!!"

That thought resonated with me. Let God bring it.  Don't go looking for it.  I'm sure there are situations that fit both sides but I love when God repeats Himself to clarity what He's telling us.  The college students just attended a conference called Passion 2018 and some photos were posted on Instragram summarizing the sessions.  "Whatever we dream about for our lives is far smaller than what God has in store for us."  Yes, I want His plans not mine.

With that I returned to saying Yes.  I want to be ready... and then it hit me.  I already have.  About 8 years ago now, Matthew and I were the parents to a precious preschool boy and a darling toddler girl, the perfect American family.  However then I began watching a TV show about a large family, we met a few large families, and slowly became close friends with a large family.  God was stirring my heart to wonder how many children should we have.  Juliet came the next year and in that time God stirred Matthew's heart too.  We decided together to say Yes to God and allow Him to grow our family to the size He saw best.  If you know us, you know we've welcomed three more baby boys in the five years since.  

A few months ago arriving at church on a Sunday morning, we were greeted by a friend who just happens to be a retired Major Sargent from the Army.  He asked if all the children were mine and I said yes.  He said I had a big job.  I told him sometimes I wonder if I'm tough enough to make it through Army boot camp.  He said something like boot camp is really tough but the job I have is harder.  I thanked him for reminding me of that.  

Yes I didn't go looking for a plan like this but the Lord has blessed Matthew and I with six children.  S-I-X.  It's one on those things I don't really think about long and hard, but when I do it can bring me to my knees.  Feeling responsible for the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual welfare of six people would be paralyzing in my own power.  But oh I am not doing this alone.  I serve a big God who wants me to cling to Him and fulfill this mission He has given me through His power.  

"But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

If you are still reading, thank you. I've had this on my heart for a few days.  Now you know why I'm not looking for God's plans for me.  He brought them to me and they call me "Mommy."  There are many adventures ahead with our bunch I'm sure, and it will be exciting to see where God leads them.  Thank you Heidi for summing up God's mission for me in one simple yet profound statement.

"Your greatest accomplishment as a mom may not be something you do but someone you raise." (St. John, pg. 75) 









Monday, January 01, 2018

What Makes Us Thankful

"Thankful" is a word that's been heavily tossed around the last few weeks.  We just finished this surreal span of life (at least in America) stretching from Thanksgiving to Christmas.  People are more sociable (except for when they kick, scream and steal on Black Friday), nostalgic (until the holiday family gatherings turn ugly), and charitable (well that is true but tax deductions often play a role).  All this has me pondering the attitude of thankfulness.  Where does it come from?  What is it built on? 

Having a houseful of children allows me a front row seat to raw emotion.  There is screaming when a toy is snatched from one by another.  There is stomping and slamming of doors when responsibilities are not fulfilled and privileges are revoked.  There are little bodies lying on the floor very expressively announcing, "I'm NOT tired!"  And then there are the Christmas wish lists!  Christmas is the time of year for children to request to their hearts content and really hope that everything appears on December 25.  It all seems quite silly to a mature, grown adult, but really how different are we from those sweet children?


Pondering what truly makes me thankful I began to wonder... am I really only appreciative of people because of what they can give me?  When someone doesn't follow through on an obligation does it bring them down a notch in my need for them?  Do I tend to nurture relationships with people who really just make my life easier? 


Sadly this might be true of human nature.  We are born with a survival nature and the need to do whatever it takes to have our needs met.  Anyone who has cared for a newborn will attest to that... cue background crying soundtrack!  But thankfully, we are loved by someone who is not at all like that.  His name is Jesus. You may have heard of him, but do you know him?  Really know him? 


Jesus is everywhere these days whether we acknowledge it or not.  Every time someone says Merry Christmas, He is mentioned.  He loves us so much that He left the splendor of Heaven to come to earth as a helpless baby for the purpose of showing us the way to live as He did, the truth of who God is, and the path to eternal life by His sacrificial death on a cross.  And He still shows up if we are ready to see Him.


My dad had a heart attack on June 10, 2015.  It was Vacation Bible School week at our church.  I had been at the hospital with my mom, Matthew and Sully (only 5 months old) for most of the afternoon and into the evening.  My mother-in-law had been able to take our other four kids to VBS.  Around 8:00 pm, my brother was taking my mom home for the night and Matthew and I would drive to church to bring our children home.  Driving down the main road of our town, I saw a cloud hanging in the sky (yes still blue skies at that time during a summer evening).  It was not puffy or whispy, but more of a column shape.  It stayed in front of me all the way.  Finally our church was in sight and the column of cloud extended straight up from it.  It was as if Jesus were speaking to me saying, "Remember, the Israelites?  I led them through the desert and I will lead you through this dark time too."  I was welcomed in the hall of our church by many friends who had heard about Dad being in the hospital and expressing their concern.  


If you are unfamiliar with the story you can read about the pillar of cloud and pillar of fire in the 13th chapter of Exodus in the Bible.  Jesus is at work all around us in so many exciting ways.  If you don't see Him working maybe it's because you haven't taken the time to look for Him.



 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Jesus loves you and wants you to know Him!