I'm a dreamer. I always have been. In middle school, I thought of finding a way to Hollywood to meet the stars of TV sitcoms. In high school, I wanted to run away to a ranch in Montana and start a new life. Going to college meant attempting to fulfill a dream of working for CNN and reporting the breaking news from around the world. Fast forward 20 years and my dreams include being a famous Mommy Blogger or mission trips to various foreign countries. Here I am a stay at home wife and mother. If left unchecked, the mundane can zap the joy out of life. The "daydreams" begin to seem much more appealing than reality and the chores of laundry and dishes breed contempt for those who dirtied said laundry and dishes.Thankfully the last several months have been a period of checks and balances over my spirit and my level of contentment. The Lord is gentle in teaching us things. He does not come in with a 2" by 4" and smack us over the head to get our attention. Well sometimes He does but usually only after we have ignored His still, small voice many times. I can now see clearly a path He was weaving for me which included a book, two movies and a few conversations.
Rewind to October. I drove seven other friends and myself to a conference about an hour away. Christian author and speaker Heidi St. John had just published a new book entitled Becoming Mom Strong, and my friends and I were attending the first of her promotion conferences. Her sessions were quite inspiring but actually reading the book over the next few months grew my faith by leaps and bounds. Just simple truth which the world tramples over came to light in my spirit."God's love for His children is fierce. It's tenacious. It's powerful. It's real. And when you pray for your children, Heaven is moved into action. ... God wants to meet you right where you are. The key is to spend time with Him and learn to live in His presence. That's when we experience His peace. When it's all said and done, a MomStrong mom doesn't trust in her own abilities; she trusts in a strong, sovereign God." (St. John, pg. 100-101)
For my birthday in November, my mom suggested that she and I go to a movie. She had seen a new film advertised and so we saw "Same Kind of Different As Me." I had watched the trailer but sitting in that theater, my mind began to race. The true story follows a wealthy couple's dissolving marriage which is impacted when they befriend a homeless man. There were so many scenes which touched my heart and my imagination. Could I donate some time to help with a homeless shelter or soup kitchen? How can my family give back to those less fortunate? How can I help my family realize the degree of blessings we don't even recognize we have when others are barely just surviving? I returned home wanting to change the world or at least a part of our town.The hustle and bustle of Thanksgiving and then Christmas came full force. No time to dream. Only time spent on shopping for groceries and presents, decorating, undecorating, and redecorating the house. We did remember Jesus in the midst of it all and yet it still felt surface level. My personal time for prayer and Bible study was hit or miss; either a deep personal encounter with Jesus which filled my soul and gave me the strength to face a new day or a few verses read through while cartoons played in the background on mornings I had slept in until the kids woke me up.
We are blessed by Matthew's wonderful job and his ability to take the week of Christmas off. On December 27th, we asked my mom to babysit Ezra so Matthew and I could take the other five to lunch at Kanpai and the theater to see "The Greatest Showman". From the moment it started, we were all swept away into the fantastically imaginative story of how P.T. Barnum came to begin the American phenomenon called the circus. The movie is based on the true story with a lot of musical numbers and probably a good bit of storytelling added for effect. However what it left me thinking was, "If Barnum could dream up the circus, what could God make happen through my life if I dreamed God-size dreams?!"
So being a natural dreamer and adding to that listening to "The Greatest Showman" soundtrack on our Echo once a day for the next week, my mind was racing as to what my mission from God could possibly be. I've had the idea of collecting gently used Happy Meal toys from families at church to give to the soup kitchen so the kids there can enjoy a toy with their meal! Matthew and I helped with a Saturday morning kids' club at a government housing project before we had children so maybe I could start another one of those. Our church has plans to plant a church in Seattle so is God possibly readying our hearts to move there for a few years? The dreams were swirling in my mind. But the daily grind of being a wife and mother is enough most days. I felt trapped and unable to reach my goal.
Sharing all these thoughts with a friend, she provided me a new perspective. Telling me about an opportunity that recently came for her and her husband to serve God, she told me that even before knowing what it would be they decided together to say yes to God. "So when the opportunity came, we didn't have to think about it... we already knew... we had already covered it in prayer. Here or there, short or long... it's the saying Yes that matters! Don't look for the mission... say Yes to God and He will bring the mission!!!"
That thought resonated with me. Let God bring it. Don't go looking for it. I'm sure there are situations that fit both sides but I love when God repeats Himself to clarity what He's telling us. The college students just attended a conference called Passion 2018 and some photos were posted on Instragram summarizing the sessions. "Whatever we dream about for our lives is far smaller than what God has in store for us." Yes, I want His plans not mine.
With that I returned to saying Yes. I want to be ready... and then it hit me. I already have. About 8 years ago now, Matthew and I were the parents to a precious preschool boy and a darling toddler girl, the perfect American family. However then I began watching a TV show about a large family, we met a few large families, and slowly became close friends with a large family. God was stirring my heart to wonder how many children should we have. Juliet came the next year and in that time God stirred Matthew's heart too. We decided together to say Yes to God and allow Him to grow our family to the size He saw best. If you know us, you know we've welcomed three more baby boys in the five years since.
A few months ago arriving at church on a Sunday morning, we were greeted by a friend who just happens to be a retired Major Sargent from the Army. He asked if all the children were mine and I said yes. He said I had a big job. I told him sometimes I wonder if I'm tough enough to make it through Army boot camp. He said something like boot camp is really tough but the job I have is harder. I thanked him for reminding me of that.
Yes I didn't go looking for a plan like this but the Lord has blessed Matthew and I with six children. S-I-X. It's one on those things I don't really think about long and hard, but when I do it can bring me to my knees. Feeling responsible for the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual welfare of six people would be paralyzing in my own power. But oh I am not doing this alone. I serve a big God who wants me to cling to Him and fulfill this mission He has given me through His power.
"But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
If you are still reading, thank you. I've had this on my heart for a few days. Now you know why I'm not looking for God's plans for me. He brought them to me and they call me "Mommy." There are many adventures ahead with our bunch I'm sure, and it will be exciting to see where God leads them. Thank you Heidi for summing up God's mission for me in one simple yet profound statement.
"Your greatest accomplishment as a mom may not be something you do but someone you raise." (St. John, pg. 75)
