Thursday, October 17, 2019

I Attended Drag Queen Story Hour


A few weeks ago our local library allowed Draq Queen Story Hour to take place at the main branch.  A friend and I attended.  I want to write about my experience here so the emotions from that day remain in my heart and as an encouragement to other followers of Christ to do the bold things He is asking us to do.

When I first heard from another friend that DQSH was coming to our town, I was angered.  How dare "they" come to our town and exploit the children of this area. Yet at the same time, I felt the Lord prompting my heart to do something to reach "them" with His love.  Yes the homosexual / transgender agenda is a hot button item these days, but sin is sin in God's eyes.  Not one worse than another in His mind, no varying degrees of sin. ("For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." James 2:10)  My first thought was to make a poster.  I would go and hold a poster which read, "Jesus loves you but He wants His best for you!"  Talking it over with a few ladies, my friend Brandi said, "I don't think that's enough. We can't convey our heart to them in just a phrase on a poster. I think we should go."  My mouth dropped.  What an idea.  As followers of Christ, we are called to love those around us like He did.  Jesus didn't carry posters; He ate with the least of society in their homes.  


The story hour would begin at 3 pm so Brandi and I planned to meet at the library around 2:30 pm. When we arrived there was a small crowd gathering outside the conference room in which the event would be held.  It was not the type of crowd I was used to being around.  Families of mixed gender and same gender parents, children of all ages, and 4 or 5 "Sisters".  The event was being hosted by The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. (I had googled them after doing some "research" the night before.  I honestly wanted to desensititze myself to drag queens as I've only been around them a few times.  There was a story hour in a nearby city so I watched all the news coverage on that and checked out the website of the hosting organization.)  The "Sisters" are African-American men who dress in nuns' robes, wear platform combat boots, and paint their faces white with turquoise eyelashes and make-up.  Needless to say, Brandi and I were out of our element.  We made our way to a side table in the waiting area to write short notes to the readers / performers (not sure what they would prefer to be called).  I had brought a bag of HomeLife magazines and devotional books from our church to leave with the readers as well but Brandi and I wanted to add a personal touch with our notes.


About 10 minutes later, the doors opened and we found a seat near the back of the small auditorium.  Sitting in that room was awkward, almost comical (Are we really here?), saddening (probably 30-40 preschool children brought by their parents to experience something which they don't even understand), and faith-building all at the same time.  My silent pray which I also whispered to Brandi as we waited was, "Jesus, help me to see these people as You see them."  What I saw was a story time going along as they normally always do with something different involved, something under the surface.  Each reader sat down in a chair before the group of children who were seated on the floor.  Some readers had a calmer demeanor than others.  These men obviously don't speak publicly before crowds of people on a regular basis.  Reading a story book to a crowd that size would make me nervous myself.  Some of the books I had heard of and even read to my own children ("The Rainbow Fish" and "The Very Hungry Caterpillar"), but others were new to me (a tale of a boy who liked to try on all the shoes in his parents' closet).  The reader of "The Rainbow Fish" was introduced as Miss Spartanburg Pride 2018 and his pageantry was on display.  Wearing a skin-tight, shimmery gown covered in a fish-scale pattern, he walked back and forth before the children, caressing his hip and buttock with the hand not holding the book.  Brandi and I were uncomfortable watching this reader.  Not something I would want my children to experience.  


Once all the readers had finished, an announcement was made that they would remain in the room for 10 minutes for autographs and pictures.  I looked at Brandi and said, "Well, now it's time we speak with someone or else we've come in vain and just attended a story hour without our children."  Thankfully it was the moment our strength came from Jesus and not ourselves.  In my own ability, I would have run for the hallway!


We approached one reader who happened not to have a crowd gathering around him (the flashier the make-up and sparklier the gown drew the bigger crowds). Brandi and I introduced ourselves and shook hands with the reader.  Very politely, Brandi just told this person that we wanted to take a different approach than the people outside. We spoke with him and then two of the Sisters in the entryway.  Our conversations continued like this... "We just want you to know that there are people who love you and who will come inside to tell you that.  We want you to know that Jesus loves you, but He wants something better for you.  We all struggle with things in life and He is the one who can help. We didn't bring our children with us as we don't agree with this lifestyle, but we just wanted to come and say hello and tell you we love you."  One of the Sisters said he really appreciated us coming inside.  The other almost had a sadness in his eyes as if our words did hit home.  


I wonder if we were bold enough.  Maybe that's just a starting point in making these men wonder if there is something more to life.  I pray the magazines we left and our notes (I suggested listening to "Love Like This" by Lauren Daigle on youtube) will be seeds watered by Jesus in their hearts to draw them to Him.  

I write about this experience like I mentioned earlier to keep the fire alive in my own heart but also to ignite it in yours.  Jesus could come back any day and until then we need to lay aside our own pride, insecurities, or honest laziness and share Him with others.  

Friday, May 11, 2018

May the Fourth Build My Faith

Last Friday you may have heard someone say, "May the Fourth Be With You!"  That phrase came to be sometime in the last 40 years and it was decided that May 4th would become an unofficial holiday celebrating all things STAR WARS.  However in my family, May 4th holds significance for another reason.

(Matthew with his Mom and Dad)

For the last 20 years, May 4th was a day that could make or break me.  A test of my faith really.  Matthew's grandfather passed away on May 4th at the age of 44.  Matthew's dad passed away on May 4th at the age of 44.  Matthew never knew his grandfather and was only 17 when his dad went to be with the Lord.  He told me all this when we were dating.  A friend from college told me upon hearing those facts, "If you stay with him, you better make plans to camp out in the ER on May 4th when he's 44!"  Thinking it through, I wondered if I wanted to marry someone only to lose him 20 years later.  I wanted to but never did ask his mom Ruth Ann if she would have reconsidered marrying his dad Bill if she had known what was to come.

(Our engagement photo)

Today I know what her answer would have been as it's the same answer I would be happy to say to anyone who would ask me.  Resoundingly there is nothing I would change.  (Thank you, Ruth Ann.  You know this but it's worth saying again.  Your devotion to Bill and strength all these 24 years since losing him have always inspired me.  I know for certain you would not have traded those wonderful years of marriage and two amazing sons to not go through the heartache. And I love how when I asked you if you would marry again you answered, "When you've had the best why would you want another?")  I am thankful the Lord confirmed to me during those dating years that my decision to marry Matthew was His plan.  I was driving from my parents' house in Greenville one Sunday morning to attend Boiling Springs First Baptist (not yet my church) with Matthew.  Feeling quite fearful, I prayed all of it out to the Lord.  As close to an audible voice as I've ever experienced, I heard Him reply, "Things will go well for you with him."  I have clearly seen that statement become truth.
(Our 10th wedding anniversary)

So flash-forward 20 years and here we are married for 18 years, parents to six awesome children, and creeping closer to that May 4th date of his 44th year of life.  Today I am 42 and Matthew is 41. I have kept the emotions and struggle in trusting the Lord at bay for most of this time. Remember I said we've added SIX kids to the equation so that doesn't allow much down time to worry over it for too long.  Also my faith in the Lord has grown by leaps and bounds through these years.  Jesus has clearly shown me that He knows the length of each person's days (Psalm 139:16).  I have come to a full understanding that I could very well die before Matthew by means of cancer, heart attack, or getting hit by a truck.  It all did start hitting a little closer to home as I turned 40 and then Matthew 40 the next year. We were actually in our 40's now.  My 41st birthday shook me emotionally as I was still grieving my own Dad passing away and I was pregnant with our 6th child, Ezra.

The opposite side of battling fear over possibly losing Matthew at an early age is barricading my heart in an unhealthy way in case it were to happen.  This mindset was extremely exaggerated after watching my mom Patty emotionally and spiritually hit rock bottom after my dad Rich went to be with the Lord.  Seeing the horrible pain she went through that first year and still feels some days, I began wanting to avoid that at all cost.  The solution: not love Matthew as much as my mom loved my dad.  Of course I would be a faithful wife and take care of all he needed, but my heart would take a step back and prepare for the worst.  However God would not let me stay there as His plan for human marriage is for it to be a model of the love relationship between Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:22-33). His church has no reason to prepare for the worst.  Christ is always faithful, always truthful, and always ALWAYS.  He is eternal.


God in His gentle, loving ways secured these truths in my heart at a marriage conference Matthew and I attended last fall.  There were door prizes given throughout the weekend and I excitedly waited to hear our names read.  There were gift certificates for restaurants and home decor items.  I would have been plenty happy to receive something from a restaurant.  The Lord instead had this wall art in mind and seeing it when our names were read, I heard Him whisper to my heart, "Love Matthew always."  The barricade in my heart crumbled away.
 
The sermon at church last Sunday sealed this whole contemplation in my mind.  Pastor Hank preached from James 4:13-17 and explained how we should make life plans while still keeping in mind the uncertainty and brevity of life. The Bible says in verse 15, 'Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”' Pastor Hank explained why we should say, "If the Lord wills" in connection to the plans of our life.  First because God is in control.  We see His hand at work all through the Bible and even today if our spiritual eyes are looking for it.  Second because God's plan is best.  He knows us more intimately than we know ourselves and also knows every moment of our lives including those that have yet to happen.  And third because we can trust God.  He is the only one who never changes, never lies, and never stops loving us.  Even when we claim not to love Him.

The sermon helped me to see that if the Lord wills Matthew to pass away on May 4th at the age of 44 (or any day between now and then), God is in control and I can trust Him to walk beside me, even to carry me through the heartache.  However if the Lord wills for Matthew and I to grow old together into our 80's or 90's, my position should be to grow more in love with Matthew each of the days we have together.  As Christ desires for the church to grow more in love and dependence on Him, He wants me to feel more like that towards Matthew.  Understandably, first and foremost dependent on Him but fully committed to Matthew in our holy marriage covenant also.  A sweet woman at BSF whose husband passed away a few years ago was telling me about the loneliness she feels. I said, "I can't imagine what that must be like."  She said something I didn't expect. "Don't.  Don't think about what it would be like at all.  Just love your husband every day you have him."  That is good advice and what I want to do. The last verse of James 4 says, "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."  If I hold back part of my love for Matthew it would be sinful.  I will cling to the verse that has carried me through many situations, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5).  Each year when May 4th arrives again and I consider all that has been and all that might be, I want my faith in God to grow deeper too. And I want to celebrate my marriage for the wonderful blessing it is.  I also want to encourage you in whatever hard, long-standing, worrisome situation you might be living through, Jesus is faithful and Jesus is enough. 



Sunday, January 07, 2018

Why I'm Not Looking for God's Plan for Me

I'm a dreamer.  I always have been.  In middle school, I thought of finding a way to Hollywood to meet the stars of TV sitcoms.  In high school, I wanted to run away to a ranch in Montana and start a new life.  Going to college meant attempting to fulfill a dream of working for CNN and reporting the breaking news from around the world.  Fast forward 20 years and my dreams include being a famous Mommy Blogger or mission trips to various foreign countries.  Here I am a stay at home wife and mother.  If left unchecked, the mundane can zap the joy out of life. The "daydreams" begin to seem much more appealing than reality and the chores of laundry and dishes breed contempt for those who dirtied said laundry and dishes.

Thankfully the last several months have been a period of checks and balances over my spirit and my level of contentment.  The Lord is gentle in teaching us things.  He does not come in with a 2" by 4" and smack us over the head to get our attention.  Well sometimes He does but usually only after we have ignored His still, small voice many times.  I can now see clearly a path He was weaving for me which included a book, two movies and a few conversations. 

Rewind to October.  I drove seven other friends and myself to a conference about an hour away.  Christian author and speaker Heidi St. John had just published a new book entitled Becoming Mom Strong, and my friends and I were attending the first of her promotion conferences.  Her sessions were quite inspiring but actually reading the book over the next few months grew my faith by leaps and bounds.  Just simple truth which the world tramples over came to light in my spirit.

"God's love for His children is fierce.  It's tenacious. It's powerful.  It's real.  And when you pray for your children, Heaven is moved into action. ... God wants to meet you right where you are.  The key is to spend time with Him and learn to live in His presence.  That's when we experience His peace. When it's all said and done, a MomStrong mom doesn't trust in her own abilities; she trusts in a strong, sovereign God." (St. John, pg. 100-101)

For my birthday in November, my mom suggested that she and I go to a movie.  She had seen a new film advertised and so we saw "Same Kind of Different As Me."  I had watched the trailer but sitting in that theater, my mind began to race.  The true story follows a wealthy couple's dissolving marriage which is impacted when they befriend a homeless man.  There were so many scenes which touched my heart and my imagination.  Could I donate some time to help with a homeless shelter or soup kitchen?  How can my family give back to those less fortunate?  How can I help my family realize the degree of blessings we don't even recognize we have when others are barely just surviving?  I returned home wanting to change the world or at least a part of our town.

The hustle and bustle of Thanksgiving and then Christmas came full force.  No time to dream. Only time spent on shopping for groceries and presents, decorating, undecorating, and redecorating the house.  We did remember Jesus in the midst of it all and yet it still felt surface level.  My personal time for prayer and Bible study was hit or miss; either a deep personal encounter with Jesus which filled my soul and gave me the strength to face a new day or a few verses read through while cartoons played in the background on mornings I had slept in until the kids woke me up.


We are blessed by Matthew's wonderful job and his ability to take the week of Christmas off.  On December 27th, we asked my mom to babysit Ezra so Matthew and I could take the other five to lunch at Kanpai and the theater to see "The Greatest Showman".  From the moment it started, we were all swept away into the fantastically imaginative story of how P.T. Barnum came to begin the American phenomenon called the circus.  The movie is based on the true story with a lot of musical numbers and probably a good bit of storytelling added for effect.  However what it left me thinking was, "If Barnum could dream up the circus, what could God make happen through my life if I dreamed God-size dreams?!"

So being a natural dreamer and adding to that listening to "The Greatest Showman" soundtrack on our Echo once a day for the next week, my mind was racing as to what my mission from God could possibly be.  I've had the idea of collecting gently used Happy Meal toys from families at church to give to the soup kitchen so the kids there can enjoy a toy with their meal!  Matthew and I helped with a Saturday morning kids' club at a government housing project before we had children so maybe I could start another one of those.  Our church has plans to plant a church in Seattle so is God possibly readying our hearts to move there for a few years?  The dreams were swirling in my mind.  But the daily grind of being a wife and mother is enough most days.  I felt trapped and unable to reach my goal.  

Sharing all these thoughts with a friend, she provided me a new perspective.  Telling me about an opportunity that recently came for her and her husband to serve God, she told me that even before knowing what it would be they decided together to say yes to God.  "So when the opportunity came, we didn't have to think about it... we already knew... we had already covered it in prayer.  Here or there, short or long... it's the saying Yes that matters!  Don't look for the mission... say Yes to God and He will bring the mission!!!"

That thought resonated with me. Let God bring it.  Don't go looking for it.  I'm sure there are situations that fit both sides but I love when God repeats Himself to clarity what He's telling us.  The college students just attended a conference called Passion 2018 and some photos were posted on Instragram summarizing the sessions.  "Whatever we dream about for our lives is far smaller than what God has in store for us."  Yes, I want His plans not mine.

With that I returned to saying Yes.  I want to be ready... and then it hit me.  I already have.  About 8 years ago now, Matthew and I were the parents to a precious preschool boy and a darling toddler girl, the perfect American family.  However then I began watching a TV show about a large family, we met a few large families, and slowly became close friends with a large family.  God was stirring my heart to wonder how many children should we have.  Juliet came the next year and in that time God stirred Matthew's heart too.  We decided together to say Yes to God and allow Him to grow our family to the size He saw best.  If you know us, you know we've welcomed three more baby boys in the five years since.  

A few months ago arriving at church on a Sunday morning, we were greeted by a friend who just happens to be a retired Major Sargent from the Army.  He asked if all the children were mine and I said yes.  He said I had a big job.  I told him sometimes I wonder if I'm tough enough to make it through Army boot camp.  He said something like boot camp is really tough but the job I have is harder.  I thanked him for reminding me of that.  

Yes I didn't go looking for a plan like this but the Lord has blessed Matthew and I with six children.  S-I-X.  It's one on those things I don't really think about long and hard, but when I do it can bring me to my knees.  Feeling responsible for the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual welfare of six people would be paralyzing in my own power.  But oh I am not doing this alone.  I serve a big God who wants me to cling to Him and fulfill this mission He has given me through His power.  

"But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

If you are still reading, thank you. I've had this on my heart for a few days.  Now you know why I'm not looking for God's plans for me.  He brought them to me and they call me "Mommy."  There are many adventures ahead with our bunch I'm sure, and it will be exciting to see where God leads them.  Thank you Heidi for summing up God's mission for me in one simple yet profound statement.

"Your greatest accomplishment as a mom may not be something you do but someone you raise." (St. John, pg. 75) 









Monday, January 01, 2018

What Makes Us Thankful

"Thankful" is a word that's been heavily tossed around the last few weeks.  We just finished this surreal span of life (at least in America) stretching from Thanksgiving to Christmas.  People are more sociable (except for when they kick, scream and steal on Black Friday), nostalgic (until the holiday family gatherings turn ugly), and charitable (well that is true but tax deductions often play a role).  All this has me pondering the attitude of thankfulness.  Where does it come from?  What is it built on? 

Having a houseful of children allows me a front row seat to raw emotion.  There is screaming when a toy is snatched from one by another.  There is stomping and slamming of doors when responsibilities are not fulfilled and privileges are revoked.  There are little bodies lying on the floor very expressively announcing, "I'm NOT tired!"  And then there are the Christmas wish lists!  Christmas is the time of year for children to request to their hearts content and really hope that everything appears on December 25.  It all seems quite silly to a mature, grown adult, but really how different are we from those sweet children?


Pondering what truly makes me thankful I began to wonder... am I really only appreciative of people because of what they can give me?  When someone doesn't follow through on an obligation does it bring them down a notch in my need for them?  Do I tend to nurture relationships with people who really just make my life easier? 


Sadly this might be true of human nature.  We are born with a survival nature and the need to do whatever it takes to have our needs met.  Anyone who has cared for a newborn will attest to that... cue background crying soundtrack!  But thankfully, we are loved by someone who is not at all like that.  His name is Jesus. You may have heard of him, but do you know him?  Really know him? 


Jesus is everywhere these days whether we acknowledge it or not.  Every time someone says Merry Christmas, He is mentioned.  He loves us so much that He left the splendor of Heaven to come to earth as a helpless baby for the purpose of showing us the way to live as He did, the truth of who God is, and the path to eternal life by His sacrificial death on a cross.  And He still shows up if we are ready to see Him.


My dad had a heart attack on June 10, 2015.  It was Vacation Bible School week at our church.  I had been at the hospital with my mom, Matthew and Sully (only 5 months old) for most of the afternoon and into the evening.  My mother-in-law had been able to take our other four kids to VBS.  Around 8:00 pm, my brother was taking my mom home for the night and Matthew and I would drive to church to bring our children home.  Driving down the main road of our town, I saw a cloud hanging in the sky (yes still blue skies at that time during a summer evening).  It was not puffy or whispy, but more of a column shape.  It stayed in front of me all the way.  Finally our church was in sight and the column of cloud extended straight up from it.  It was as if Jesus were speaking to me saying, "Remember, the Israelites?  I led them through the desert and I will lead you through this dark time too."  I was welcomed in the hall of our church by many friends who had heard about Dad being in the hospital and expressing their concern.  


If you are unfamiliar with the story you can read about the pillar of cloud and pillar of fire in the 13th chapter of Exodus in the Bible.  Jesus is at work all around us in so many exciting ways.  If you don't see Him working maybe it's because you haven't taken the time to look for Him.



 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." 
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Jesus loves you and wants you to know Him! 


Sunday, September 17, 2017

Grief is a Journey

Grief is not an emotion. It is an active state of being which must be worked through. I've felt it many times in my life but only began to recognize it for what it is after losing my dad two summers ago.

Grief first appeared back in the beginning of history with the first family.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God and lost the close relationship which they first shared with Him. Then sometime after that their son Cain killed his brother Abel.  I'm sure there was much grief in the hearts of Adam, Eve and even God. Grief follows any loss such as a death, loss of job, loss of relationship due to divorce or physical separation, even loss of what could be or how things should be.


A little over two years ago on June 27, 2015, my dad, Rich Allen, passed away.  He entered Heaven but doing so meant he left this world and our relationship ended. Well at least for the time being.  I will see and hug him again when I enter Heaven myself.  His death came suddenly and yet in a way I was prepared.  Dad was working at Amazon and had a heart attack on June 10th of that same year.  He fell to the concrete floor banging his head.  My mom, Patty, was called and she and I met at the Emergency Room.  Thankfully we visited with Dad for a few minutes before he was taken back to have a stint put in his heart.  I don't think we made eye contact in those moments as he was badly shaken emotionally as well as physically.  After he came out of the procedure, I was able to see him again for a few minutes in Cardiac ICU.  He just kept saying how badly his head hurt.  Sometime during that night, his brain began to bleed which resulted in emergency brain surgery the following morning.  I never again saw my dad awake.  He laid in a bed in Neuro ICU for over two weeks and then passed away after being off of life support for two days.  


During those weeks of visiting Dad at the hospital, my heart began grieving while he was still with us.  I prayed daily for the Lord to heal him and restore his health.  Although at the same time, my "hope for the best but expect the worst" personality was trying to steady myself for the possibility that the day Jesus would take Dad home to heaven might be coming.  My mom obviously was not at all ready to lose her husband.  Who would be?  As the nurses and test results showed my dad's condition worsening, my fear was growing as to how she would handle receiving the facts of his condition.  One night just a few days before his life support would be turned off, I just sat in the bed of my parents' guest room and recited Psalm 23 over and over while crying.  The pit of despair is deep where a daughter just prays for the Lord to take her father's spirit to prevent her mother from having to give consent to have his life support turned off.  That pit was my darkest grieving moment.  And yet the Lord is faithful. 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)
My grief continued as I then began to feel the loss of the relationship I had with my mom.   With the loss of my dad and her husband, we both became different people.  Grief changes you and sometimes not in good ways.  I went through angry days, and mom was just lost in her depression and sadness. I was hurting just to see her so completely broken.  Unfortunately my grief turned often toward saying or doing anything which I thought might help her accept what had happened.  It usually only made things worse.  And yet again the Lord is so faithful. During those days, my husband Matthew and I grew so close as he had lost his dad at age 17.  He understood the pain I was feeling and was able to comfort and cry with me.

The Lord brought another someone to comfort me during those dark days.  A friend I'd not seen since junior high school sent me a Facebook message almost the exact minute as I was sending her a message. Kayne lost her father the summer before I lost mine. Her father passed away after complications following a liver transplant.  We began emailing, texting, and calling each other.  She expressed such understanding of the feelings I was having as she had felt many of the same things just the year before.  When suffering it helps so much to know someone has been there.  I am forever thankful to the Lord for bringing Kayne back into my life and renewing our friendship.  She has told me likewise that in comforting me she received comfort herself. 
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Grief is something that can easily overwhelm and control a person if not worked through.  One of the books I read early on said talking out your grief brings about great healing.  I took that to heart and signed on anyone I came into contact with as my personal grief counselor.  Speaking to my Sunday school class, my BSF group, anyone who would listen and realizing over and over that most people my age and older (and a few even younger) have experienced death and grief. Sharing that story of losing someone close to them enabled us both to receive a healing. My healing had really started even before saying goodbye to Dad by writing out our story on CaringBridge.org while he stayed in the hospital.  It proved to be so therapeutic for me.  It allowed me to connect with so many people who knew him as I then met them at the visitation service and recognized their names from the comments they left on the website.  

This past April as I was still trying to find a way to "fix" my mom's sadness, I asked her if she would consider attending a Griefshare class with me. Griefshare is a Christian grief support group which teaches a person how to do the work needed to heal from a deep grief.  Surprisingly, she said she would go, not because she wanted to but because she knew I wanted her to.  I said I would take it!  We went the first night and both left with reservations about going back.  The next week's meeting fell on Braewyn's 10th birthday so we would not be able to attend anyway.  Through the week I spoke with my neighbor Rich who is a military chaplain and my friend Elizabeth who had attended the first class also.  Rich said the group dynamic is what really brings about healing in that situation, and Elizabeth, who was undecided about returning also, said her husband commented that going wouldn't do any harm.  I decided to give the group another try.  Mom just didn't feel comfortable there so didn't return.

For anyone who has experienced a life-changing grief, I cannot plead with you enough to please find a Griefshare group.  The videos are very well produced and contain such deep insight.  There are interviews with grief counselors who have experienced heartache themselves as well as others who just share from their hearts about their personal grief.  Then there is small group discussion time.  You are not required to share anything.  It is fine just to sit and listen.  However in listening to the feelings of those in the group, I knew they would understand some of what I was feeling.  It also opened my eyes to how grief comes in so many forms.  One woman was there after losing her 43-year-old son.  Another had lost a granddaughter to a drug overdose.  Several had lost their husbands.  And a few men who were now widowers.  Over the 13 weeks, I grew to love these people I saw no where else but this room where Griefshare met.  The Lord knew people would need one other to love and support each other through the trials of life.

 Although my mom did not continue attending Griefshare, the class brought healing to our relationship by what I learned.  Just as Jesus was the only one who could have restored my dad's health, Jesus was and is the only one who can truly heal my mom's broken heart.  Once I realized that nothing I could say or do would "fix" my mom the pressure was off.  I still have to fight back the urge to "encourage" her to do what I think would help but it doesn't consume me.  Griefshare helped me to see that someone who is grieving will grieve as long as he or she chooses to and no one can change that.  It takes some people longer to get through it than others.  We can't expect everyone to grieve the same way.


As hard as the last two years have been and as much as I miss my dad, I am thankful for the way the Lord has grown me.  Grief is awful and yet it is beautiful.  I've never thought of myself as an overly compassionate person, but yet I am so much more able now to relate to others going through really tough times.  I do not hesitate reaching out to those who are hurting.  Since losing Dad, so many have entered my life whom also felt grief.  A sweet couple at church who said goodbye to their perfectly formed, beautiful baby girl born stillborn just days before her due date.  Two friends who lost their fathers and a friend who lost her mother, all suddenly or after a short illness.  A dear friend who found out at her 20 week ultrasound that the Lord had already taken her baby's spirit to heaven.  Two friends whose husbands died suddenly or after a very brief illness. A young couple who found their 4-month-old son no longer breathing one morning in his crib. Horrible, heartwrenching experiences and yet the Lord is faithful.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
Thinking hard times won't come is really only setting yourself up for despair.  I am thankful in knowing Jesus as my Lord and Savior that I will be one day going to my eternal home in Heaven where there is no grief.  Until then I want to praise Him for being the one who carried me through all the deep sadness of saying goodbye to Dad and who will carry me through any just as hard days to come.  The lyrics of the song "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman reflect my heart.
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful 
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out, I'll 
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering 
Though there's pain in the offering 
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out I'll 
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name, oh
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
God you give and take away
Oh you give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name



Monday, July 10, 2017

Showing His Joy


Anyone is welcome to read this post, but I'm writing to those who live their lives to follow Jesus.  It's not meant to be a social commentary but a reminder to think about what we believe and how we live.

So I saw "Beauty and The Beast" a few weeks ago with my older three children.  It was a beautiful remake of the Disney cartoon.  The songs were there. The characters were there.


Hearing about the hype regarding the "first openly gay Disney character" when the movie was coming out, I had read stories for and against the movie weeks before.  I went in knowing about and looking for these suggestively gay-oriented moments.  There was a strong undercurrent of gay pride, but it's hard to know if I would have noticed it as much had I not known it was coming.


The Christian community does have a right to voice our concerns.  Freedom of speech should be a human right when done in the right context: speaking the TRUTH in LOVE.  If any group pushes their agenda to the point of patronizing those who do not agree, it has crossed the line.  The gay-rights supporters pushed their point of view into a family movie.  I do not fault Christians for boycotting this movie.   (My family saw it at a discount theatre so not sure who gets our money but it wasn't full price.) We need to stand up against things we disagree with however just avoiding spending our money on movies or establishments which support the gay lifestyle is not necessarily the best method to promote our stance either.


Yes we need to clearly make known that the gay lifestyle is wrong according to the Bible ("Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable." Leviticus 18:22), but the underlying truth which we must also state is that God wants His best for every person.  His best is a right relationship with Him. "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9) The bottom line is that every person wants to feel loved.  Which would be better:  love from the gay community or love from the One who created the universe and who will never leave or forsake you? Don't misunderstand.  This is not a situation in which if we live the best we can and do the most good things we win God's love.  There is not one single person alive on the earth today who was alive on the day Jesus died on an old cross long ago.  And yet on that day, He died for each and every person alive on the earth today.  He knew each and every sin all those people including me and you would commit.  He died to pay the penalty so we might receive forgiveness.


Some may read this and think being gay is not wrong, just a different lifestyle choice.  I think of it this way.  My four-year-old son Rylan loves to be in the water.  He thinks he can swim which he can in the bathtub.  Recently we were at a friend's pool.  He was having a great time in the shallow end "swimming".  He was really just jumping around and splashing, feet touching the ground.  A few minutes later, he got out of the pool, walked to the deep end, and up onto the diving board. No life jacket on.  I began saying, "Rylan, stop.  Rylan, get off the diving board."  Then screaming, "Rylan, get off!!!"  Without hesitation, he walked to the end of the diving board and jumped into the water.  Thankfully my older son swam quickly into the deep end and pushed Rylan toward the edge where I pulled him out.


So what does that have to do with being gay?  Without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, a person does not recognize the dangers of living a gay lifestyle.  Without a personal conviction, none of us would leave behind the "good" things in life which are actually sinful. So where does that leave us who are following Jesus?  We must first pray for God to soften their hearts to the truth of His word.  Boycotting movies and avoiding gay-supportive stores may put a small dent in the issue, but it doesn't affect the lives of gay people.  PRAYER will.  The church catch phrase "Hate the sin, love the sinner" rings true in this case.  It appears the gay community does a better job of loving its people than the Christian community does with the people we should be trying to reach with the truth of salvation.  I don't encounter gay people often, but when I do I want that person to see me as friendly and not judgmental.  Speak the truth in love if there arises an opportunity but leave them wanting to know more of why I have joy.  And here's hoping that he or she runs into more Christians who also display that joy until one day they can't help to ask and we say, "It's from knowing Jesus!"

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Boys in the Kitchen

I can tell I'm a more relaxed mom these days because I actually enjoy cooking with my children.  When the older ones were young, having them in the kitchen meant messes and more work for me.  Now there are still messes, but how can I say no when cooking with Mommy brings them such joy and the food will taste just as it would had they not helped.

Here's a recap of some recent kitchen adventures and the instructions for making one of our favorite lunches, Toast Pizza!

Toast Pizza is something I just stumbled upon in a moment of hunger and pizza craving.  Start with a loaf of French bread and slice into 1/2 inch thick pieces.

Toast pieces first to keep pizzas from becoming soggy.

Now add kids to the process!  Bread slices are placed on baking pans.  With a good bit of assistance, Sully can get spoonfuls of pizza sauce onto the bread.  

Rylan joins in when it's time to add toppings.  Yes I wash their hands before helping but there is a bit of snacking while adding toppings.  The pizzas might not be as germ-free as if I had made them by myself, but they will soon be going into the oven which will kill all germs.  Plus we're just cooking for our own family!

Toast pizzas are topped to the desire of all family members eating lunch.  Next place the baking pans into a preheated 350 degree oven for 15-20 minutes or until cheese is melted. 

Warm, gooey and crispy!  I wish you could smell them.

When making cupcakes recently, Sully could hardly believe I let him help with the mixer.

He was a pro at lining the cupcake pan.

Last Friday we celebrated St.Patrick's Day with green muffins and green eggs.  Sadly, I had forgotten about buying ham so we didn't have any to eat with the green eggs.   For a 3-year-old, Rylan is a master egg cracker.  I taught him by saying, "Give it a good smack on the side of the bowl, put your thumbs in the crack, and open it like a book."  He comes running if he hears there are eggs to be cracked!

So much fun to stir drops of green food coloring into beaten eggs.

Not the most visually appealing food to the adult eye, but a whimsical meal for children and really yummy just the same. 

Who knows what Rylan and Sully will want to be when they grow up.  If one of them decide on becoming a chef, I'm thinking that will include fringe benefits for their Mommy who gave her boys their first cooking lessons in the kitchen. Bring on the samples!